455: Sweet Cereals

Matthew:

I'm Matthew.


Molly:

And I'm Molly.


Matthew:

And this is Spilled Milk, the show where we cook something delicious, eat it all, and you can't have any.


Molly:

Today we are talking about sweet cereals again.


Matthew:

What's the speech from Independence Day? Today we declare our Independence Day. I don't think that's what he says.


Molly:

I was actually thinking more like maybe four score... I was trying to figure out how many years ago it would've been that we did episode 15, which was when we first did breakfast cereals.


Matthew:

Okay, well definitely four score and some years ago.


Molly:

Seven years ago.


Matthew:

People don't score anymore because we can't get close enough to each other to score.


Molly:

Anyway, so hold on. We did an episode, episode 15. This was close to a decade ago.


Matthew:

Yes.


Molly:

It was on breakfast cereals. Back then we talked about your usual lineup, the Honey Nut Cheerios, the Cracklin' Oat Bran, Lucky Charms, et cetera.


Matthew:

Yes.


Molly:

Here we are at episode 415. For those of you math nerds, that's 440 episodes later.


Matthew:

I think it's 455.


Molly:

Whoops, that's what I meant to say. What did I actually say?


Matthew:

Well, you said you went two score too low and said 415.


Molly:

Oh, my God. For all of us math nerds out here, I'm really good at reading numbers, 455 sweet cereals revisited. That's where we are today.


Matthew:

Can I mention something before we get too deep into the cereal box?


Molly:

Yeah.


Matthew:

Spilled Milk now has transcripts available. We've been doing it for the last three or four episodes, and we're going to keep going it as far as I know. You can get them at spilledmilkpodcast.com/transcripts.


Molly:

When I was writing The Fixed Stars, I loved being able to access transcripts on NPR for fresh air interviews and stuff.


Matthew:

Yes.


Molly:

I wonder what kind of a book somebody might access our transcripts in the course of writing.


Matthew:

Yeah, that's a good question. I'm glad to hear that we've closed the gap with NPR considerably.


Molly:

Yeah, we finally are doing everything they are.


Matthew:

My name was mentioned as special thanks on Planet Money even though they didn't use my interview, which is fine, and we started doing transcripts just like NPR. We have a tiny desk, and Taylor Swift is going to pop up behind it and sing a song.


Molly:

I was on All Things Considered last month.


Matthew:

Yes.


Molly:

We are NPR.


Matthew:

Okay, yeah. Turn to us first thing in the morning for everything you need to know, hard news.


Molly:

Yep. What are the new breakfast cereals?


Matthew:

What are the new breakfast cereals? We've got a cereal quiz coming up. This is our pledge drive episode, and we're going to do the cereal quiz I think after the pledge drive message because then you have to listen to the pledge drive message.


Molly:

Oh, that's very sneaky of you, Matthew.


Matthew:

Pretty good. Pretty sneaky, right?


Molly:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).


Matthew:

We've learned over the course of these scores of episodes to be sneakier than we used to be.


Molly:

Yes. So Matthew, memory lane here. Is our memory lane-


Matthew:

Well, we should talk about what sweet cereals, if any, we remember from when we were young and were we allowed to eat them.


Molly:

Okay. When I was a kid, I think a lot of the things that I considered sweet cereals were not sweet maybe by other people's families standards.


Matthew:

Yeah, I know what you mean.


Molly:

Yeah. Cracklin' Oat Bran, for instance, was a special occasion cereal for us.


Matthew:

Oh, yeah, for me too.


Molly:

Let's see. What else? Do you remember when Quaker 100% Natural came out?


Matthew:

A very controversial cereal.


Molly:

Oh, really?


Matthew:

Oh, yes.


Molly:

It was the first mainstream granola that I was aware of at least.


Matthew:

It was controversial, I think, because it was made with coconut oil, and so it had saturated fat in it, and that was the thing we cared about.


Molly:

Oh, yes. Okay. Anyway, if you looked at the fine print, that was a very sugary cereal.


Matthew:

Oh, of course.


Molly:

I think most of the world didn't look at it that way.


Matthew:

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure that added to the gripping controversy around that cereal.


Molly:

Yes.


Matthew:

It was all anyone could talk about throughout most of the 80s.


Molly:

Well, I was allowed to have that on special occasions. But the real sugar cereals by anyone's definition I was allowed to have when we were traveling.


Matthew:

Yes.


Molly:

If we were staying in a hotel or something where we were having breakfast, maybe there would be those individual cereal boxes, and I would always pick out Frosted Flakes.


Matthew:

Yes.


Molly:

Or if we were traveling and we were staying in someone's house or we were somewhere for a long time, and we got groceries, I was allowed to pick out something really gnarly like Fruity Pebbles.


Matthew:

Nice. Okay, as we mentioned before my mom had a rule that a sugary cereal was anything with over six grams of sugar per serving, and she would never buy anything with more than six grams of sugar. I think that meant I maxed out at around Kellogg's Corn Bran, which I don't think exists anymore but I think had six grams of sugar.


Molly:

That is the sexiest cereal name ever.


Matthew:

I know.


Molly:

Kellogg's Corn Bran.


Matthew:

We're going to say a whole bunch of cereal names in a little bit, and no one would launch Corn Bran anymore. That would just go straight into the garbage.


Molly:

Okay, wait, does corn even have a bran or was it corn plus wheat bran?


Matthew:

Not sure. That's a good question. I don't know if corn has a bran. I think it was a mix of corn and wheat bran probably.


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

It was like little pillow-shaped, kind of like Oatmeal Squares.


Molly:

Where doesn't Honey Nut Cheerios fit into the sugar per serving?


Matthew:

It's pretty high. It's certainly over six.


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

I know that.


Molly:

You weren't allowed to have Honey Nut Cheerios?


Matthew:

No, we were allowed to have regular Cheerios.


Molly:

Wow. Okay.


Matthew:

Obviously, as soon as I got to a friend's house I would rip open the cupboard, tear a box of cereal in half with my bare hands and go face first into it; Corn Pops, Honey Smacks, Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut cheerios. Whatever the fuck is in there, it's gone.


Molly:

Corn Pops, I never understood. Those were just so weird. The flavor was weird. The texture was weird. They got sticky in the box. I didn't understand why anybody would want those.


Matthew:

I think Corn Pops are made with the sugary sludge left over after making Corn Bran, and they just sort of inject it with an air compressor somehow.


Molly:

That's perfect. I remember going over to my friend Jennifer's house. Long time listeners may remember me talking about Jennifer on many occasions. She was my best friend. Her mother, Linda, is the one who I always think of as really knowing how to live.


Matthew:

Linda Pascual?


Molly:

Linda Pascual. Yeah. Linda Pascual with the box of Franzia in the fridge, the large plastic glasses that she would put a lot of ice in, and she would carry them out by the pool.


Matthew:

Yes.


Molly:

She always made Gazpacho and drank it out by the pool. She made a really good chocolate cream pie. Oh my gosh, I also always picture her wearing a visor that would kind of push her hair up in the front.


Matthew:

Yes.


Molly:

Yes. She was the ultimate. She was the cool mom, and she slept in.


Matthew:

Oh, wow. That's great.


Molly:

My parents woke up first thing in the morning. My mom was at a 6 a.m. aerobics class.


Matthew:

Yeah, that would not have happened in my house. Do people still wear visors outside of a golf course scenario?


Molly:

Visors are back. I actually think visors were back a couple of years ago, and we already missed it. Visors are gone again.


Matthew:

Okay. Tune in first thing in the morning to Spilled Milk for the fashion news that you need. I've been having kind of a fashion dilemma lately, which is I know the answer, but somehow it's still a dilemma. It's okay for me to just wear the same V-neck T-shirt in different colors every single day all summer. Right?


Molly:

Oh, absolutely.


Matthew:

And on into fall. Okay.


Molly:

One hundred percent.


Matthew:

Because I try to do laundry less often. I'm going to buy a couple more T-shirts. I'm just going to buy the same T-shirts I bought last time. That's okay, right?


Molly:

I think that this is a completely normal acceptable and even laudable wardrobe choice.


Matthew:

Okay.


Molly:

I think that a lot of people, actually fashion bloggers and things, would call this maybe your capsule wardrobe.


Matthew:

I didn't even know that was a term.


Molly:

The idea being that you have a few key pieces that you can put together. This isn't really a capsule. But the idea that you have limited your choices so that it is easy and always looks good.


Matthew:

Okay. Well, I was pleased because I guess I have to work this into every episode. I have my Skype voice lesson with my voice teacher Doug-


Molly:

Oh, here we go.


Matthew:

... who's like a young Australian guy who's in a pop punk band, and he was wearing the same gray V-neck T-shirt as me. I'm like, "Okay, I'm probably fine."


Molly:

Yeah, I think that in general solid color shirts that are not too tight or too loose are timeless.


Matthew:

Yeah, then I was wondering should I wear an ironic shirt that says, "Bacon," or "Lobster" on it? You know, those ironic lobster shirts.


Molly:

But I think lobster also has a connotation among some people who are newlyweds and stuff.


Matthew:

Oh, it's like a thing from Friends?


Molly:

You're my lobster.


Matthew:

Yes.


Molly:

We're mated for life.


Matthew:

Yes.


Molly:

Right?


Matthew:

And I'm going to boil you.


Molly:

And I'm going to boil you, and it's going to be epic.


Matthew:

I'm going to boil you in love.


Molly:

I'm going to plunge you in the boiling hot pot of my love.


Matthew:

Okay. That does sound like something newlyweds would say.


Molly:

In our household, I want to come back to the laundry topic, which is so right on target for our sweet cereal's episode.


Matthew:

It is.


Molly:

Not at all. Ash goes through a lot of clothing weekly. Ash generates so much laundry.


Matthew:

How?


Molly:

When they worked outside the house, when we could all leave our houses, when Ash saw clients or worked in an office, they would get up in the morning. They would put on whatever they were wearing to work. They would come home. They would change into comfy clothes, so that would for them generally be like shorts and a T-shirt or sweatpants and a sweatshirt. They would wear that until bedtime when they took a shower, and then they would put on a T-shirt and a pair of underwear to sleep.


Matthew:

Okay.


Molly:

This is three sets of clothing per day if you're counting.


Matthew:

Yeah, that's a lot.


Molly:

I was like, "Ash, is there any chance that you could maybe rewear some of this clothing?"


Matthew:

Yeah, that's a tough ask though because it's really personal routine.


Molly:

But I was still like-


Matthew:

I'm not saying it's wrong to ask, I'm saying like if I were-


Molly:

No, no.


Matthew:

... in your position I would feel like, "Sorry, but... "


Molly:

Well, it was such a staggering amount of laundry that I felt okay asking because I was like, "This is a lot of laundry, and we don't really need to be doing this quantity." Anyway, it's gotten better.


Matthew:

How are they going to feel about you airing this dirty laundry so to speak on the podcast?


Molly:

Well, here, on the other hand I'm at the other extreme, which is-


Matthew:

Oh, you stink.


Molly:

... I stink. Ash is a shower every day kind of person. Today, I finally forced myself to shower, Matthew, and it had been four days. Frequently, when we do laundry, the only thing that comes out of the laundry clean for me because all the rest... That makes it sound like there's a lot of my stuff, which I have to throw away.


Matthew:

I thought you implied that you do the laundry and somehow it's still dirty when it comes out because it was so filthy going in.


Molly:

I'm like Pig Pen.


Matthew:

Yeah.


Molly:

What I was going to say is frequently when we go to fold a thing of laundry, all that's in there for me is one bra and eight pairs of underwear.


Matthew:

Yeah, there you go.


Molly:

Because the rest of it I'm rewearing. This summer I've had a jumpsuit that I've worn a lot, and I will wear this jumpsuit five days in a row, but it still doesn't get dirty because it's so loose fitting.


Matthew:

When anthropologists dig through your buried home thousands of years from now they're going to be like, "Someone lived here who had two breasts and eight butts."


Molly:

Exactly. Anyway, but, yeah. Ash and I are two opposite extremes. I think that our listeners will have strong opinions about which ones of us they relate to more.


Matthew:

Yeah. Oh wow, that's really such a dichotomy.


Molly:

Yeah.


Matthew:

Okay. I realized something as we were talking about trying to find opportunities to snarf sweet cereals as children. I want to be... My goal for when we're allowed to start having friends over again is I want to be known among Iris' friends as a good snack house.


Molly:

I aspire to be the house where kids want to hang out.


Matthew:

Yes. We've got good music-


Molly:

Part of that is being a good snack house.


Matthew:

... cool music like Pearl Jam. We got Cinnamon Toast Crunch you might find in the cupboard, some kind of cookie on top of the fridge. Maybe some sour cream and onion Lays.


Molly:

This is great. What else do you think it takes to be the household where the kids want to hang out?


Matthew:

That's a good question. Probably a rotating disco ball would be good.


Molly:

I guess it depends upon what your kid and their friends are like.


Matthew:

Well, I was going to say to jump to the end of the notes we made for the upcoming pledge drive message, which is coming up in just a minute. The last thing on the list just says, "Lubricate, exclamation point." I don't know why we wrote this, but maybe that's-


Molly:

Did Abby want us to drink before we recorded this segment?


Matthew:

Oh, maybe, but it's 10 a.m.


Molly:

That's true. I've been waiting. I've had a nectarine and a cup of coffee. I'm waiting to eat sugar cereals for breakfast.


Matthew:

Yep, okay. We've got to get to that. Enough about this cool drug house that you're providing for your child's friends.


Matthew:

As you know, Molly, and the listener, this show runs on listener pledges just like NPR.


Molly:

It runs on listener pledges and pure hot air.


Matthew:

Yes. We have some sort of fusion, nuclear fusion engine, that's very secret technology that's powering this show. You have to feed money into it to keep it going.


Molly:

It's like America.


Matthew:

Well, let's try and not tie ourselves to that sinking ship too closely.


Molly:

But, really, it never occurred to me all the things that go into making a podcast.


Matthew:

It takes audio hosting. Above all, it takes our time.


Molly:

Yes.


Matthew:

Three grownup adult people who are getting older every day and have expenses just like you do, and we put a ton of time into this show. We pay producer, Abby, a salary.


Molly:

Here's the thing. We also know that this is a really strange time to be alive. This is a strange time to be trying to record a pledge drive message because we all are going through various levels of challenges, financially and otherwise.


Matthew:

Right. We want to make clear if you are not in a position to give to the show at this point, don't. We're not expecting that.


Molly:

Absolutely.


Matthew:

Should Spilled Milk be the first on your list of financial obligations? No. Obviously, not.


Molly:

No.


Matthew:

It should be third.


Molly:

I was going to say second.


Matthew:

Okay.


Molly:

We should also say that this show is free and will continue to be free.


Matthew:

Yeah, and you know what? I'm going to put this out there. We didn't talk about this, and maybe this is something I should not offer to people. But if you're not in a position to donate, but you really want to hear the bonus episodes, send me an email at [email protected] I'll hook you up.


Molly:

Oh, my gosh. That's so generous. Anyways, yes, we get it. If you can't donate at this time, please don't. But if you can, hear us out.


Matthew:

Yes. We have so much to offer you, I think.


Molly:

I think number one right now is that we provide escapism.


Matthew:

If you are locked in some sort of box on stage... And if you're David Blaine, and you've put yourself into some sort of weird box, and you don't know how to get out, we can help.


Molly:

If you find yourself working from home with your significant other all the time, that's a box that you're trapped in.


Matthew:

Exactly.


Molly:

We can provide escapism.


Matthew:

We are all David Blaine now.


Molly:

We are.


Matthew:

Unless David Blaine did something that he was canceled for, which sounds sort of familiar, in which case we're not. We're someone better.


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

We're Doug Henning.


Molly:

I don't know him.


Matthew:

He's a Canadian magician that died, very hippy-ish, died many years ago.


Molly:

How about just we're Houdini.


Matthew:

We're Houdini.


Molly:

Here we go.


Matthew:

We can help you escape from that lockbox that you find yourself in just by putting us in your ears.


Molly:

Yes. And in addition to helping you escape, we will entertain you while we're helping you escape.


Matthew:

That's right.


Molly:

Here are the many ways that we can offer entertainment.


Matthew:

That's right. By the time you finish listening to an episode of Spilled Milk, you'll be entertained and you'll also be outside your house. You're not going to be sure how you got there. You can be very dazed and confused.


Molly:

Okay. We do these episodes where we talk loosely about food. We also make a bunch of dumb jokes. I don't know about our listeners, but I have over the years learned so much about great recipes, cooking techniques, all kinds of stuff that is actually informative from this show.


Matthew:

We've learned from our own show. Yeah, that's true.


Molly:

Absolutely. The other thing I want to say, and I know that this is a little bit off the Spilled Milk topic, but we also brought you a free podcast called Dire Desires. It came out in May of 2020. It was a movie podcast. Producer Abby got a lot of compliments about her voice.


Matthew:

Yes, Abby wrote on the agenda for the pledge drive, read that great feedback email about Abby's voice.


Molly:

Anyway, yeah. Here at Spilled Milk, we make this show because we need to escape, and we bring you along with us in all sorts of different ways.


Matthew:

That's right. We're like pied pipers of a sort. Is the pied piper a good guy or a bad guy?


Molly:

I'm not sure.


Matthew:

Okay.


Molly:

I think... Okay.


Matthew:

We chased snakes out of Ireland, I think is what we're trying to say.


Molly:

Anyway, Matthew, what does it look like for a listener to support the show? What can that look like?


Matthew:

Here's what it looks like. You go to spilledmilkpodcast.com/donate, and you choose a subscription level. For American $5 a month, that's the little limber twig level, and you get the bonus episodes going all the way back to the original bonus episode. I think we're up to at least 20 bonus episodes at this point. We have a new one coming very soon that is the teen slang episode where producer Abby who is not a teen, but is closer to being a teen than to our age, will share some teen slang with us and we have to guess what it means.


Molly:

I'm excited about this.


Matthew:

So I'm looking forward to that. I'm not going to get any of them right. You get a newsletter written by me. I used to call it a monthly newsletter, but does it actually come out monthly? No. But it's pretty good when it does come out. It tells you what we're enjoying in terms of culture lately that we recommend, music, TV, movies, that sort of thing, books, podcasts. And it tells you what's coming up in the next few weeks on Spilled Milk, so you've got the secret hookup. It tells you about all of our secret hookups.


Molly:

Okay, Matthew, they also get a handwritten thank you postcard from the two of us.


Matthew:

That's right.


Molly:

This is all at the $5 a month level, which is the little limber twig level. All the levels are named after types of species of fruits and vegetables.


Matthew:

Yep. Two of them are apples, and the third is not. We'll get there. What if you want to give a little more than that? What do people get if they go $10 a month?


Molly:

They get to call themselves Magnum Bonum sustaining members for one thing. I think that is reward enough.


Matthew:

I think so, yeah.


Molly:

But, also, don't they get a piece of merch?


Matthew:

They do get a piece of merch. They get a Spilled Milk tote bag, mug or T-shirt.


Molly:

Awesome.


Matthew:

Along with everything at the $5 level.


Molly:

And then, what if you want to give more than that?


Matthew:

Well, I would recommend that people go glycine max super member. That's $20 a month, and at the super member level you get all of the things from the $5 level; the newsletter, the postcard, the bonus episodes. You get the piece of merch from the $10 level, and you get just once, but it's worth it, a snack box of hand selected perfectly engineered food product style snacks packed lovingly by us. We always throw in a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos even though you can get those anyway just because we love you. We send that from our house to yours.


Molly:

In the past, these boxes have included such things as various Japanese gummies that are hard to find. Also, an amazing candy bar called Walters Mandler.


Matthew:

Yes. I hope we can get... I don't want to promise Walters Mandler this year because I don't know for sure if we can get it, but we will do our utmost.


Molly:

We choose our very favorite things, most of them being a bit hard to find, and send them directly to you. So that's at the $20 a month level.


Matthew:

If we can't get Walters Mandler, we will ask Walter, who I think is a fictional character, to call you and leave you a voicemail.


Molly:

Great, okay. So these are our three levels; $5 a month, $10 a month, $20 a month.


Matthew:

Yes.


Molly:

And these are all recurring charges. We don't generally do one time donations. Is that right?


Matthew:

No, in fact, we don't at all because the show has ongoing expenses, and so that's how we need to be funded as well. Again, if you are not in a position to do that at this point, don't.


Molly:

So, Matthew, usually when we do this pledge drive, we set some goals for ourselves to incentivize our listeners, to try to get us to do these things.


Matthew:

We got a little silly during our pledge drive prep meeting and talked about what we would do if we got 10,000 new subscribers. It says for 11,000, we'll get Dennis Quaid on the show, and at 5,000 we'll get Randy Quaid on the show. Those are not realistic numbers. But I want to actually do one of the things that we joked about. I don't know when we'll be able to do it. But if we get 60 new or upgrading subscribers... Again, I am going off script.


Molly:

I don't know what you're going to say.


Matthew:

In the words of Jim Carrey, "Somebody stop me," Molly is going to teach me to drive.


Molly:

Wait a minute. I thought that was at the 10,000 subscribers level.


Matthew:

I just made an executive decision to reduce it from 10,000 to 60.


Molly:

Okay, Matthew has not driven in what? Eight years?


Matthew:

Eight years. The last time I drove a car was around August 2012. I don't have a driver's license.


Molly:

Perfect. If we hit 60 new or upgrading subscribers, I am going to teach Matthew, reteach Matthew, how to drive a car, and I will let him drive my car.


Matthew:

Yes. This will happen in a parking lot somewhere in Seattle.


Molly:

Live on Instagram.


Matthew:

Live on Instagram. We'll also make it a bonus episode. We will not do this until it's safe to do so. It'll never be safe for me to drive a car, but say for us to spend time together in a car. Yeah, I think teaching somebody to drive is the worst thing you can possibly do for a friendship or family relationship. Right?


Molly:

Oh, yeah. That is how... There are so many... What am I trying to say?


Matthew:

I don't know.


Molly:

Hold on. Relationships between teenagers and their parents, notoriously fraught. Right?


Matthew:

Right.


Molly:

You know why they're fraught? Because parents are always teaching their kids how to drive.


Matthew:

Exactly, I've done that.


Molly:

It just ignites the whole relationship.


Matthew:

It does. It ignites the relationship. That sounds very positive. Right.


Molly:

I mean in a bad way. In a bad way, it sends it up in flames.


Matthew:

Right, right.


Molly:

This show, when we hit 60 new or upgrading subscribers, we are going to ignite this show-


Matthew:

That's right.


Molly:

... in my car.


Matthew:

Also, maybe you can use this show to ignite your relationship especially... You and your loved ones should gather around and listen to Dire Desires together. It's a very sexy podcast.


Molly:

You get to also hear my sexy voice.


Matthew:

Yes, which is amazing. It's been way too long since I've heard it. I should listen to back issues. I should order some back issues of our magazine.


Molly:

Matthew, it just occurred to me that while I'm teaching you to drive in a parking lot in my car, we should also... Remember when we were doing the episode on whatever it was, dried fruit or brandy or something when we started about the game Snapdragon or something...


Matthew:

We should play that while in your car?


Molly:

That we found on Wikipedia. Remember when we talked about how you could... I don't even know how we come up with this.


Matthew:

You could play it in the car.


Molly:

We joked about playing it in the car with the sunroof open.


Matthew:

With the sunroof open so the flames would have a place to escape.


Molly:

When I tried actually back track to figure out how we got to some of our most ridiculous jokes, I absolutely cannot.


Matthew:

Well, this is why we're now doing transcripts so future generations will be able to... Like that guy who used to have the PBS show where he would make connections going back through history like somebody domesticated a horse, and that meant that this king lost his throne. James... Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue. Anyway, it's going to be just like that only with our dumb jokes.


Molly:

Okay, great. Anyway, yeah, okay, we are looking for 60 new or upgrading subscribers.


Matthew:

Yes. If we get 11,000, we will get Dennis Quaid on the show.


Molly:

I'm not sure how, but I'll figure it out. And then we can finally maybe use a new hashtag maybe like spilled Quaid.


Matthew:

Quaid milk, I don't like that at all.


Molly:

What about-


Matthew:

I regretted saying it immediately.


Molly:

Dennis milk?


Matthew:

Dennis milk. All right. Please let people know. Tweet about the show. Use the hashtag Dennis milk as always. Again, the link is spilledmilkpodcast.com/donate, become a subscriber today. We really need your help. Thank you so much for listening to the show.


Molly:

I don't think I've ever cried so much during a pledge drive.


Matthew:

It's okay. I think tears get viewers. If it cries, it's no lie.


Molly:

I think I needed to have a good cry today.


Matthew:

Okay, that's good. That's why it says lubricate on the pledge drive message. You're lubricating your eye sockets.


Molly:

Oh, God.


Matthew:

And face.


Molly:

This show provides me escapism, and it milks my tears out.


Matthew:

Yeah, hashtag eye milk.


Molly:

I don't know what happened to me. Okay. I think I need to eat some cereal.


Matthew:

Yeah, let's do it. Let's start eating some cereal. Why don't you start eating cereal. I'm just going to stare at this bottle of milk. I have this gallon jug of milk sitting on the table in front of me. I got it out of the fridge before we started recording, so it's now been sitting out for 45 minutes, and it has the expiration date very prominently right above the top edge of my laptop screen, and the expiration date is September 11th. That's what I've been staring at.


Matthew:

You start eating cereal, and I'm going to give you a cereal quiz.


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

I'm going to eat cereal during the quiz because I'm hungry, and I don't want to wait to eat cereal.


Molly:

Wait, Matthew. Let's make sure we're eating the same cereal at the same time.


Matthew:

Okay. Right. Should we just say what cereals we're going to be tasting today?


Molly:

Yeah. Let's talk about how you picked them out. You picked them out by the way.


Matthew:

I went to Safeway, and I wanted to pick obviously sugary junk cereals that I had never tried before. I don't want to say for sure that these are all very new because it could be I didn't notice them before, but they're definitely ones I've never had before. None of them are quite as out there as I was hoping to find. I didn't find the Baby Yoda cereal, which is a real thing. But I'm excited for all of them. Where do you think we should start? Here are the four cereals. Lucky Charms Honey Clovers, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churros, Hershey Kisses and Honey Maid S'mores. Did you already pour something?


Molly:

I'm having the Honey Maid S'mores.


Matthew:

Okay, I'll start there too.


Molly:

I like these a lot.


Matthew:

This is one that I was especially excited for. I assume that the squares are going to be Golden Grahams, right? I just poured a full size bowl of cereal. I think Molly likes it.


Molly:

Also, I just discovered, we're recording this episode on September 3rd-


Matthew:

Oh, good, my milk hasn't expired yet.


Molly:

I just discovered that my milk expired August 20th, but it tastes fine.


Matthew:

Okay, good.


Molly:

Oh, my God. I love this cereal. Right? Isn't this a great cereal?


Matthew:

This is superb.


Molly:

The graham really tastes like graham. The marshmallows and the chocolate are not as sugary as I would've thought.


Matthew:

Normally I'm not a big fan of a marshmallow cereal, but I'll make an exception for this one.


Molly:

I really like this. This is great. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Thank you, Matthew. I drove over to Matthews a couple of days ago to pick up a bag containing small bags of-


Matthew:

There was a cereal drug deal going on-


Molly:

... mini sugar cereals.


Matthew:

... outside of my house. I passed Molly four ZipLock quart size bags with just loose cereal in them.


Molly:

I had June with me. As I drove home, she went through the bags of cereal and read them aloud to me. Right away, I knew the Honey Maid S'mores was what I was most interested in. I will tell you more about her responses to the other cereals as we move through it.


Matthew:

I'm very exited for that.


Molly:

She was not that excited about trying the Honey Maid S'mores, and she hasn't even tried them yet. Aren't these so good?


Matthew:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).


Molly:

Yeah, okay. Whenever you're ready, should we go into the cereal quiz before we move on to cereal number two?


Matthew:

Yeah, I want to say one more thing about the S'mores cereal besides buy it immediately. I think what I like about it is that the marshmallows are plain.


Molly:

Yes.


Matthew:

They're not fruit flavored marshmallows or anything. It's just like a Golden Grahams style. It's not a flake. What would you call it? A square?


Molly:

A square.


Matthew:

Then a Cocoa Krispies, Cocoa Pebbles. No, Cocoa Puff.


Molly:

Yes, a Cocoa Puff.


Matthew:

And then little plain marshmallows.


Molly:

I could go for more chocolatey flavor, but whatever. I'm not looking for true chocolate flavor in my sugar cereals, are you?


Matthew:

What if I just threw some chocolate chips in the bowl?


Molly:

I think that could be great. Yeah.


Matthew:

Let's do this.


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

Cereal quiz.


Molly:

Ready.


Matthew:

I got all the real cereals from a great website called cerealously.net.


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

C-E-R-E-A-L-O-U-S-L-Y dot net. I love that it is like a classic blog design that looks like the theme hasn't been updated since 2005. They just bring you everything important... all the important news that's cereal related.


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

Let's do it.


Molly:

Great.


Matthew:

Smartfood, Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries Popcorn.


Molly:

Wait, is that one?


Matthew:

That's all one thing.


Molly:

I'm going to say that's real.


Matthew:

It's real, but it's not a cereal. So, yes.


Molly:

Wait. Will you read it again?


Matthew:

Smartfood Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries Popcorn.


Molly:

Okay, so it's-


Matthew:

It's a bag of popcorn that has Crunch Berries in it.


Molly:

That is so messed up. That is weird.


Matthew:

One thing that we're going to come across again in this list is that when cereal makers run out of ideas, they just put two things in the same box.


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

Cookies & Cream Krispies.


Molly:

Real.


Matthew:

Real. Wendy's Frosty Flakes.


Molly:

That's fake, but I wish it were real.


Matthew:

I know. I thought of it last night. I was like, "I fucking wish I lived in the world where... " I wouldn't change anything about the world we're living in except I wish we had Wendy's cereal.


Molly:

Yes, absolutely.


Matthew:

It would be malt flavored. That would fix everything. Mindcraft Creeper Crunch.


Molly:

That's got to be real.


Matthew:

It is real. I don't know anything about Mindcraft. I don't know what a creeper is. I know what a creeper is outside of Mindcraft. It seems weird to buy cereal that says creeper on it, but okay.


Molly:

All right.


Matthew:

Funfetti Cereal.


Molly:

That's got to be real.


Matthew:

It's real.


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

Tropical Fruit Loops.


Molly:

Oh, God. That's unfortunate, but probably real.


Matthew:

Yep. I think you're going to get 100% on this.


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum Sparkles.


Molly:

That's fake.


Matthew:

I think I was hungry last night and was just like, "These are the cereals I wish I could try."


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

Chocolate Eggo Cereal.


Molly:

That's real.


Matthew:

Yes. Chocolate Life.


Molly:

That's fake.


Matthew:

It's real.


Molly:

I was going to say I've never seen it.


Matthew:

I've never seen it either.


Molly:

Okay, well, I'm glad to know that's real. I bet that's really good.


Matthew:

Yeah. Starbucks Double Shot, The First Mass Market Caffeinated Cereal.


Molly:

I think it's real.


Matthew:

It's fake.


Molly:

Oh, thank God. That sounds terrible.


Matthew:

I know.


Molly:

God.


Matthew:

I don't know if there has been a coffee flavored cereal. It seems like some small brand must have done it as a stunt, but I don't know.


Molly:

Yeah. I think it doesn't sound that illogical. Right?


Matthew:

We all pour coffee on our cereal, right?


Molly:

Think about coffee ice cream.


Matthew:

Yeah, that's true.


Molly:

Coffee ice cream is like the taste of very sweet coffee with cream, and I think that you could approximate that in a cereal.


Matthew:

Some small percentage of our listeners is going to come away from this believing that I pour coffee on my cereal, and I'm fine with that. IHOP Panflakes.


Molly:

I don't know.


Matthew:

Good answer. I don't either. IHOP put out a press release saying with a picture, with a photoshopped box of IHOP Panflakes cereal saying, "This is coming soon." It hasn't happened.


Molly:

It's never come?


Matthew:

It's not clear yet whether it's a corporate joke.


Molly:

Wow.


Matthew:

Remember when IHOP briefly said they were going to change their name to IHOB, International House of Burgers?


Molly:

No.


Matthew:

Okay.


Molly:

I don't keep up with the IHOP press releases.


Matthew:

Okay, well, maybe you should start.


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

Dunkin Caramel Macchiato. I literally just said I didn't know if there was a coffee flavored cereal, and then I said Dunkin Caramel Macchiato, which I'll just spoil is real.


Molly:

It's real. Okay.


Matthew:

Yeah. Pokemon.


Molly:

Real.


Matthew:

Yes. Muir Glen Tomato Crunch.


Molly:

Oh, fake.


Matthew:

Yeah. Muppet's Gonzo's Nose Candy. This should be in a candy quiz.


Molly:

That's fake.


Matthew:

Yeah.


Molly:

That's fake.


Matthew:

Green Onion Chex.


Molly:

Fake.


Matthew:

Green Onion Chex is real.


Molly:

Real. Really? Wait, is it made especially for making Chex Mix with?


Matthew:

Green Onion Chex is a cereal that was launched as a special edition in South Korea. They did taste it. They got their hands on a box at cerealously.net and tasted it, and said that it was terrible with milk but as a snack was quite tasty.


Molly:

Okay, okay.


Matthew:

Dust Bunnies.


Molly:

Fake.


Matthew:

It's fake. Minion's Vanilla Vibe.


Molly:

That's real.


Matthew:

Yeah. Mashups Frosted Flakes plus Fruit Loops.


Molly:

That's real.


Matthew:

Yes. Mashups Grape Nuts plus Corn Pops.


Molly:

That's real.


Matthew:

It's fake. All the Grape Nuts would fall to the bottom of the box, and they're literally opposite textures, which might be good.


Molly:

I've never had Grape Nuts.


Matthew:

I like Grape Nuts. They're like the ultimate constipated dad cereal, but they're very tasty.


Molly:

Okay.


Matthew:

Tim Horton's Fruit Loops Donut Dream.


Molly:

That's fake.


Matthew:

It's real.


Molly:

Oh, God.


Matthew:

Baby Yoda Cereal, I already said was real. Game of Thrones Winter is Crunching.


Molly:

That is fake.


Matthew:

It's fake, but I was very proud of myself.


Molly:

You should be.


Matthew:

Okay.


Molly:

Okay, wait Matthew, while you were reading the quiz, which by the way bravo-


Matthew:

Thank you.


Molly:

... that was really great. I opened up my Zip-Lock bag of Hershey Kisses Cereal-


Matthew:

Okay, I have to finish the S'mores, which is getting soggy before I can pour another cereal in my bowl.


Molly:

I really want you to smell the Hershey Kisses Cereal. Stick your nose in the bag because I want you to tell me what you think it smells like. For me, it smells exactly like something else.


Matthew:

Okay, I think this cereal is going to be bad by the way. To me, it kind of smells like nothing.


Molly:

Oh, I think it smells exactly like an old-fashioned donut. Exactly. It smells-


Matthew:

An old-fashioned donut has a different smell from other donuts?


Molly:

Yeah. I definitely think so.


Matthew:

I do like an old-fashioned donut.


Molly:

It smells fried. It smells like fried dough.


Matthew:

I keep pouring too much cereal. I'm going to have to dump this one. Okay, let's eat some Hershey Kisses Cereal. No, I don't like it.


Molly:

Notice how it's immediately coloring the milk.


Matthew:

It is immediately coloring the milk. This cereal looks so much like dry dog food. Right?


Molly:

Yes. You know what? I don't mind this. It's very cocoa'y. I don't want this for breakfast though, and I don't love the aftertaste.


Matthew:

Yeah. I almost feel like it's not sweet enough, but it has 12 grams of sugar per serving, so that's like double what my mom would've allowed. Maybe I could've convinced her to let me eat half a bowl.


Molly:

That was better than I expected.


Matthew:

Yeah, I still don't like it. Could you please vamp while I dump my cereal bowl?


Molly:

[inaudible 00:37:58].


Matthew:

That's not what I expected. I came back, and I saw that Molly's little sound indicator was going, clearly Molly was vamping. I picked it up, and it sounded like Molly was being eaten by squirrels.


Molly:

No, I was just doing a little freestyle mouth jazz.


Matthew:

Which doesn't not sound like Molly getting eaten by squirrels. Okay, where should we go next?


Molly:

I think that we need to go to Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churros.


Matthew:

Sold.


Molly:

Okay, all right. This was June's first choice for tasting. She tried it dry when we were driving home from your house in the car.


Matthew:

Oh, they're big.


Molly:

And she loved it. They are big. Okay.


Matthew:

I haven't been trying these dry, but I just tried this one dry, and it's very good.


Molly:

It sure smells like Cinnamon Toast Crunch.


Matthew:

Yeah.


Molly:

You know, I've forgotten how Cinnamon toast Crunch kind of... It's never quite as great as you think it's going to be with the milk on it.


Matthew:

I disagree. I think every time it's just as great as I thought it was going to be. I don't think I like this better than original Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but it's almost as good or as good to me.


Molly:

The texture is nice, although I kind of do like the flat wafer'y square of regular Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I don't know. If you were going to buy a Cinnamon Toast product, would you buy this or regular CTC?


Matthew:

If I were going to buy a Cinnamon Toast product, I would buy Stauffer's Cinnamon Toast Lasagna. I would buy regular CTC. What cereals have you been eating lately? Do you buy dry cereal? I know you make your own granola. Everyone knows that.


Molly:

Yeah, we also do buy cereal. We tend to buy probably all cereals that your mother would not have allowed you to have and frankly that my mother would not have allowed me to have either. We buy Honey Nut Cheerios.


Matthew:

Good call.


Molly:

We buy Frosted Mini Wheats. We buy Cinnamon Life.


Matthew:

Yeah, those are all primo cereals. I love them all. We just finished off a family sized box of Frosted Mini Wheats. I noticed Frosted Mini Wheats they have a new slogan that's something like one bowl and you're not hungry again until lunch.


Molly:

Yeah, that is so false.


Matthew:

It's not true, but I like how they try and back it up with a scientific study that seemed like they described this with not much detail on the box. It seems like the study consisted of giving people cereal and then asking them at 30 minute intervals, "So how hungry are you?" I would've enjoyed participating in this study. I get free cereal. I get to sit around and do nothing and get paid $5 probably. That's pretty good.


Molly:

No, I would love to do this. I've got to say so far the CTC churros are my least favorite.


Matthew:

Really?


Molly:

Yeah, it's not that I don't like them. It's like I think I just would never choose them.


Matthew:

Okay.


Molly:

I think they're fine. I think actually all of these are quite good cereals. None of these is terrible. I notice that you didn't buy any that are fruity. That seems wise. If you would've bought Strawberry Puffs or something-


Matthew:

I'm not into Fruit Loops. Yeah.


Molly:

... I find artificial berry flavors to be really not my thing.


Matthew:

Yeah, I agree.


Molly:

Okay, wait a minute. So you're still working your way through the churros?


Matthew:

Just finished the churros.


Molly:

Okay. Our last one is Lucky Charms Honey Clovers.


Matthew:

Okay, this one is going to have lots of marshmallows, right?


Molly:

Yeah, although, God, Matthew, I've got to tell you, this is the one that my child... When we were driving home from your house, I said, "You can taste two of the four cereals." She chose the CTC-


Matthew:

That's a real dilemma.


Molly:

Churros first, and she loved them. Then she chose the Lucky Charms Honey Clovers. She tried those, and she loved them. Then she said to me that night, "Mama, can I have one of these cereals for breakfast in the morning?" I said, "Not for breakfast, but you can have it for a snack later in the day."


Matthew:

Okay.


Molly:

Yesterday she got to have her sugary cereal snack, and she chose the Lucky Charms Honey Clovers, and it frankly looks to me like she took most of the goddamn marshmallows out of it.


Matthew:

You know what? I poured myself some. I don't think anyone in my house has been stealing marshmallows, and it's not a marshmallow heavy mix.


Molly:

No, I have got probably half of what you gave us in this baggie, and I think I have four marshmallows in it.


Matthew:

I don't like this at all. You can think of this as-


Molly:

Oh, just a minute.


Matthew:

... I know you haven't tasted it yet, maybe either I'm trying to prejudice your opinion or set low expectations.


Molly:

That's weird.


Matthew:

Yeah. Lucky Charms has periodically... I learned this, of course, from cerealously.net. Periodically marketed you can buy a bag of just the marshmallows, which sounds like... I don't like Lucky Charms marshmallows. It sounds like now you can buy a bag of garbage.


Molly:

Okay. I got to say, when June was eating a bowl of these with milk yesterday afternoon, she loved them so much, she could not stop talking about them. She even after her second or third bit sat back from the table and did a very theatrical chef's kiss of the fingers. She loved these so much.


Matthew:

I just noticed there's supposed to be a unicorn head mushroom... Mushroom? Marshmallow in here somewhere. Unicorn head mushroom sounds like something that would get you super fucked up.


Molly:

I'm seeing a heart. I'm seeing-


Matthew:

These are things you're seeing after eating the unicorn head mushroom.


Molly:

I'm seeing a blue moon, a broken rainbow, and then this thing that's mostly orange but has kind of a yellow at one end and a line going through it. Is that supposed to be a present with a bow on it?


Matthew:

A shooting star maybe.


Molly:

Hold on. I've got something purple in here I'm trying to identify.


Matthew:

Or maybe a king or queen with a star for a head. I'm not sure.


Molly:

Anyway, I don't like this at all. In general, I think June usually has pretty good taste in things.


Matthew:

But not this time.


Molly:

Not this time. No.


Matthew:

I think the flavor of the clovers is terrible.


Molly:

It's terrible.


Matthew:

It's not just that I object to the marshmallows, but it's very bad.


Molly:

It's like weird... It starts out actually tasting like nothing, and then the more you chew the clover, then it sort of turns into a manufactured honey favor.


Matthew:

It sucks.


Molly:

I'm pouring myself more of the S'mores.


Matthew:

Yeah, I think it's going to be just as good the second time around.


Molly:

I'm pouring myself a proper bowl of the S'mores.


Matthew:

I'm going to buy this cereal again. Of the four we tried, the S'mores is the one... I didn't think I was going to like any of these enough to put them back on the shopping list, but I'm 100% buying the S'mores cereal again.


Molly:

Okay, I'm going to eat it again, and we'll see. Oh, yeah. It's also a textural thing. It's like really nice texture.


Matthew:

Yeah, the textural contrast... The texture of the squares themselves, I wonder if you put these up... Are these... I don't know who makes Golden Grahams. I don't know if this is literally just Golden Grahams going under an alias with some other stuff thrown in. I would eat just the graham part or the graham parts we watched.


Molly:

Oh, my God. I love the crunch of this in my mouth.


Matthew:

Okay. We've done 455 episodes of a comedy food show. This is now a show where we just talk really earnestly every week about Honey Maid S'mores Cereal, what it's doing for us at this time in our lives and in the life of this little planet we call earth. Is there anything else we need to say before we sign off?


Molly:

Mm-mm-hmm (affirmative).


Matthew:

Okay. Again, thank you for listening to the show. Please support us by going to spilledmilkpodcast.com/donate and becoming a subscriber. We're not going to bug you about it until this time next year, so enjoy that too. You can find us online at spilledmilkpodcast.com, literally just said that. We've got transcripts there now. You can read all about it literally and Facebook.com/spilledmilkpodcast. Have you tried any of the cereals that I mentioned in the cereal quiz or another recent cereal debut? Let us know.


Molly:

Those Honey Maid S'mores, Honey Maid, call me. I'm available for sponsorship opportunities.


Matthew:

Yeah, it's made by Post, so Post or Honey Maid or whoever else was involved in the forging of this masterpiece-


Molly:

Bravo.


Matthew:

... bravo. Good forging.


Molly:

I think this might be a perfectly engineered food product.


Matthew:

I think it might be. Someone mentioned now that we're going to have transcripts, we're not going to go back and transcribe back episodes I don't think, but you can now search and keep track of when we've called something perfectly engineered food product. I think that's the first time since we introduced the transcripts.


Molly:

I think you're right. Admittedly, I have not tried them dry. I've only had them with-


Matthew:

Yeah, I'll probably snack on a cup dry this afternoon, and I'll let you know. Okay.


Molly:

Have you noticed-


Matthew:

... The marshmallows. When we were kids, and they had colorful marshmallows in Lucky Charms, they were barely even pastel colors. They did not have the technology to really dye a marshmallow effectively, and now these are lurid marshmallows.


Molly:

I'm just trying not to look at that cereal anymore.


Matthew:

There's so much wrong with this cereal. Give it a try. Our producer is Abby Cerquitella. You can find us on Instagram at spilledmilkpodcast. Let's make this episode longer.


Molly:

We thanked Abby, and that's the most important part of every episode is when we thank Abby to be fair. I think that's it.


Matthew:

Thank you for listening to Spilled Milk. I just realized the first cereal on the quiz Smartfood Cap'n Crunch's Crunchberries Popcorn, I thought I had a joke there, but then now that I play it back in my head it's not funny.


Molly:

Oh, okay. Well, I'm Molly Wizenberg.


Matthew:

The joke was going to be, "What if it was seafood Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries?" Not only is that a gross idea, but it doesn't even make sense.


Molly:

The Captain usually is a captain of a boat.


Matthew:

I was thinking of Long John... If there's a Long John Silvers cereal that had fish sticks... What else do you get besides fish sticks at a seafood chain restaurant? Popcorn shrimp, a lobster, all in cereal bit form but like flavored like with artificial seafood flavoring, that would be a bad cereal. I'm Matthew Amster-Burton.


Molly:

I love how you didn't even like breathe between [inaudible 00:48:25].


Matthew:

I couldn't.


Molly:

I'm Molly Wizenberg.


Matthew:

Cereal boxes.


Molly:

I've got a bowl and a spoon and a partial carton of milk and a bagful of cereal.


Matthew:

Destination a little up the road where we eat a whole lot of cereal.