500: Perfectly Engineered Food Products

Matthew Amster-Burton 0:04

Oh, okay. Oh, okay.

Unknown Speaker 0:07

Oh man.

Unknown Speaker 0:08


Molly 0:09

it's 1033 in the morning we've just eaten calzones now we're gonna eat some perfectly engineered food products. I'm Molly.

Matthew Amster-Burton 0:17

And I'm Matthew

Molly 0:18

and I this is spilled milk. something delicious. Eat it all and you can't

Matthew Amster-Burton 0:24

have any and apparently we are Molly is ambushing me with it with a whole new style of intro for our 500th episode. I couldn't be happier

Molly 0:34

500 episodes I've got to keep things fresh in our relationship.

Matthew Amster-Burton 0:37

You know you absolutely do. And the best way to keep things fresh in your relationship is to ambush your partner with a new intro with a new intro.

Molly 0:45

I got to figure out how to translate this to my actual Yeah, what relationship

Matthew Amster-Burton 0:49

What if like, every time wife, Laurie got home I greeted her by starting to say sup I just like didn't didn't refuse to explain. Just like that's my new grading.

Molly 1:00

And I liked the way you did the little like, like chin lift thing. Yeah. This is how this is what the therapists mean the therapist when they say yeah, you know kick a ball keep things fresh.

Matthew Amster-Burton 1:13

This is this is a classic john Gottman move.

Molly 1:16

Yes, yeah. Okay, anyway, are we sticking with this intro? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Okay. Okay, so this is our 500th episode. Yes, everybody.

Matthew Amster-Burton 1:26

Did you when we started the show? Did you think we would make it to 500

Molly 1:30

Matthew I'll be honest,

Matthew Amster-Burton 1:32

did you think we would make it to five

Molly 1:34

I wasn't sure we were gonna get off the ground.

Matthew Amster-Burton 1:37

I don't mean either.

Molly 1:38

But you kept the faith Really?

Matthew Amster-Burton 1:40

I did like you know in a Bon Jovi Keep the Faith sort of way that's a Bon Jovi album right?

Molly 1:45

sure if that's a Bon Jovi album. All right,

Matthew Amster-Burton 1:48

we're pausing the show.

Molly 1:51

Is that Billy Joel?

Matthew Amster-Burton 1:53

It doesn't sound like Billy Joel says. Billy Joel is not upbeat, right? Uptown Girl, Uptown Girl I don't mean upbeat in terms of

Molly 2:04

girl makes me like feel like dancing.

Matthew Amster-Burton 2:07

Yeah, you're right but like most Billy Joel songs are about like how like he's kind of a sad sack character writing a song

Molly 2:14

you're the piano man?

Matthew Amster-Burton 2:16

Yes true. I am the piano man.

Molly 2:17

Oh wait a minute wait we have to look up keep the fade on

Matthew Amster-Burton 2:20

yeah you're you're closer to a device I feel like keep the faith is like like a been like a Bon Jovi album from like the 90s like right they had kind of peaked in popularity but their fans were still keeping the faith. Is it a Bon Jovi album?

Molly 2:35

You're right it's it's at least a Bon Jovi song there's also Michael Jackson Keep the Faith Keep the Faith is the fifth studio album by Bon Jovi released in 1992. What songs were on it?

Matthew Amster-Burton 2:47

I'm gonna say keep the faith well that's the thing like bed of roses. Yes. Yeah, the thing the thing about Bon Jovi is like they went through a period where they were like the biggest band in the world and you know, they had shot through the heart, and you're to blame. You give love they gave up a bad name. Then Then the New Jersey album came out and that was a huge hit to and then after that, they never had another album. That was like the biggest thing ever, but they still have kajillions of fans.

Molly 3:18

Well, it's just because that Jon Bon Jovi has such a pretty face. Oh my god, there was a Billy Joel song called keeping the faith.

Matthew Amster-Burton 3:26

Oh my god, okay.

Molly 3:28

Okay, but anyway, Jon Bon Jovi.

Matthew Amster-Burton 3:30

Let's look at pictures of Jon Bon Jovi. Yes, john, but it's not just because but Jon Bon Jovi has a pretty face it's also he has a great voice and co writes really good song.

Molly 3:40

No, all I can see is his beauty. All right, although god i don't i don't. I mean, he's a really good looking man, but I prefer young Jon Bon Jovi. No, I take him either way. Who am I kidding?

Matthew Amster-Burton 3:54

I mean, but I like I'd hate to think that people only listen to this podcast because of my beautiful face.

Molly 4:00

I mean, I what I love about the hair metal era is how androgynous it Oh,

Matthew Amster-Burton 4:06

incredibly, like boys that one poison album where they're all wearing like lipstick and heavy makeup. It's fantastic.

Molly 4:13

Oh my god. I know we've spent time on this show talking about Sebastian Bach. Oh, yeah, bro, but talk about beautiful and dry. Yeah. Do

Matthew Amster-Burton 4:21

you remember yesterday?

Molly 4:23

Walk in hand. Okay, God, we are really let's get down to business.

Matthew Amster-Burton 4:29

This episode was suggested months ago by listener Dana, who I think even suggested it for the 500th episode. And we're just taking it and running with it. She suggested that we do a perfectly engineered food products episode, which is the topic of this episode.

Molly 4:43

We finally got there. Okay, so let's start a memory lane.

Matthew Amster-Burton 4:47

I think I want to do something before memory lane. I think we need to try and define more clearly what a perfectly engineered food product is. Do you wanna do that? Should we do that now or should we save it for later? No, no, let's do it. Now. Let's do it. Now.

Molly 5:00

new listeners and I

Matthew Amster-Burton 5:01

have an also I don't think we've ever necessarily I don't even know if we agree on it. It could be the our breakup episode, because we just can't come to an agreement about what constitutes a perfectly engineered food product.

Molly 5:13

So okay, I'll begin I believe that a perfectly engineers

Matthew Amster-Burton 5:18

already blew it up. So

Molly 5:20

a key word here is engineered. Exactly. So this product cannot just like grow on trees or in the soil, like a nectarine can be a perfect food. Yes. Okay, perfect. nectarine can be a perfect food, but it cannot be a perfectly engineered food product. Yeah, this is something that is that is gone through like the laboratory.

Matthew Amster-Burton 5:42

Yeah. And to me, that means like, I would even go further away because like, I think you asked, like, whether like Telemark chatter can be a perfectly food product. And to me, it doesn't quite qualify because it has to seem like the kind of thing that like could only exist like in the in the late Industrial Age.

Molly 6:00

Okay, so so I want to make another further distinction, though, I love to bake. I've never wanted to make a croissant. Or like, or like, I don't want to make puff pastry at home. And it's not because it's because they are so much better when made by somebody who knows how to do it. Sure. They're not a perfectly engineered food product, though, because you can make them at home. Right? You cannot make m&ms at home.

Matthew Amster-Burton 6:24

No. And like, there are books like you know, like, recreate your favorite name brand products at home, but they're not going to be remotely the same. Correct. Like it might be a fun project. But you're not going to make m&ms and even if you could, it would probably cost you like $50 to make a pack of m&ms but

Molly 6:40

but people are doing it as RSB are people

Matthew Amster-Burton 6:45

literally making?

Molly 6:46

No but people are making like, you know homemade Snickers bar homemade Twinkies was a thing for a while. Oh, man candy corn a lot of people. Yeah. I mean, maybe not a lot of people.

Matthew Amster-Burton 6:56

I mean, I think it just take regular corn and like put some corn syrup on. Yeah.

Molly 7:01

Anyway, so Okay, all right. I

Matthew Amster-Burton 7:03

think I think actually, we do agree. Okay, don't have to break us. So

Molly 7:06

I'd like this definition about like that. You actually can't make it at home because I was initially thinking maybe cheese could be a perfectly engineered food product. But no, it doesn't truly have engineering.

Matthew Amster-Burton 7:19

Yeah, I think I think that's the distinction like you kind of have to show it when you see a machine need machines. Okay, like and we've got an array of products here on the table that like are absolutely unreal. creatable machine made products she made products.

Molly 7:34

Okay, so Matthew, did we have any perfectly engineered food products as children? Like if the term had existed for us then what would have been a perfectly engineered food product in your childhood?

Matthew Amster-Burton 7:45

Okay, so for me one of these I'm stealing from you, because it was also one for me. spaghettios and particularly spaghettios with mini meatballs. The meatballs were the best. So good. Oh michelina has frozen pasta entrees. Those came along like like maybe when I was a teenager, I think but I love them and like they were completely unlike any pasta you would make at home. Certainly

Molly 8:06

my friend Jennifer. She her family always had myka llinas in the freezer and she

Matthew Amster-Burton 8:13

was the sign of a good solid family. dr. john Gottman would say

Molly 8:18

also she, her mom, like allowed her to buy sugary cereals like cinnamon toast crunch. And so her house was also where I had Cinnamon Toast Crunch for the first time, which may be a perfectly engineered food

Matthew Amster-Burton 8:30

I realized like I didn't buy this for the episode I just put cereal on the shopping list and wait for the show. I came home with giant size Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Molly 8:38

Well, we know what wait for the show Lori's into Yeah, starlight mints and cinnamon toast.

Matthew Amster-Burton 8:43

I'm not sure if she's eating any of it. I think I think the responsibility for draining this 27 ounce box of cinnamon toast crunch is largely falling to me. Oh, okay.

Molly 8:54

All right, but go on more more products from childhood

Matthew Amster-Burton 8:57

Oreos for sure. Original freedos and also chili cheese fried. Like as soon as those came out those those became a favorite of mine had chili cheese fried. Oh, they're really good. Okay. And like those those are like there's I'm sure like, you know, the arch the time our childhood was like a big era for perfectly engineered food products. I think well I think some of it depends. It depends like you know who your parents were?

Molly 9:22

Well also so we lived in sort of the the golden age I think like the explosion of sugar cereals

Matthew Amster-Burton 9:29

Well yeah, there were a lot of explosions but like that they learned how to explode rice and wheat and make honey smacks I don't know.

Molly 9:37

But also there was like aspartame and nutrasweet and all that came out in our childhood so like eat like there was a bit too much engineering in our childhood.

Matthew Amster-Burton 9:48

That's that's kind of the thing about a perfectly engineered food product is like a lot of the engineering has gone into like making it addictive. Kind of like like you know, you eat a couple of Cool Ranch Doritos and you like, Okay, I'm done. Wait, I'm not like that. That is like, to me a key function of a of a perfectly engineered food product. It's craveable

Molly 10:08

it's great football, okay.

Matthew Amster-Burton 10:10

Not like putting a value judgment on this

Molly 10:12

as opposed to engineering for the sake of like, like making fake sugars or reducing calories or whatever. Yeah, this is made to taste delicious, right? In a way that gets your like biochemistry

Matthew Amster-Burton 10:26

go and my biochemist like yeah, just looking at these bags and boxes and cans, my biochemistry is going like a lot of times my biochemistry just shuts down for a while. people. People wonder if I made a comb. And it's No, I just haven't had like an m&m in too long.

Molly 10:43

Okay. Can I talk about the perfectly engineered food product? Yes, my childhood. So

Matthew Amster-Burton 10:48

you already stole my spaghettios I know. You've been wondering for decades who stole your spaghettios and now the truth comes out?

Molly 10:55

Well, and I want to say that like spaghettios I think we tasted them for for an episode here and they have not held up but I put them on the list anyway. Because they were a perfectly engineered food product of my child. I

Matthew Amster-Burton 11:08

loved spaghetti. They were fantastic. No and like, on into like, early adulthood, I would still buy them sometimes. I just I don't enjoy I can't enjoy them the way I used to. And it's not because I don't like junk food. Like they just don't do it for me the same way and yeah,

Molly 11:22

yeah, I feel like there's something missing. Like I wonder

Matthew Amster-Burton 11:24

if I sprinkled them with MSG maybe. Or maybe sprinkled them with a little freshly grated parmesan original.

Molly 11:32

Okay, I think that I'm also going to say that Lucky Charms were a perfectly engineered product of my childhood and also Frosted Flakes, but Frosted Flakes do go soggy too fast. Yeah, but that first six bytes of a bowl of frosted flakes. It's hard to improve upon that.

Matthew Amster-Burton 11:49

Yeah, you know, I would put Kellogg's cornflakes up there to

Molly 11:53

Kellogg's cornflakes I think eaten dry

Matthew Amster-Burton 11:55

is so good. Yeah.

Molly 11:57

Okay, wait, I just thought of another one. And now I'm forgetting okay. Cherry Coke.

Matthew Amster-Burton 12:02

Absolutely. Or

Molly 12:04

Cherry Coke first came out the world

Matthew Amster-Burton 12:06

was a new play I remember it's so well Yes, that was incredible.

Molly 12:11

Okay, wait Is there anything else that I'm not thinking of?

Matthew Amster-Burton 12:14

Yeah, cuz my journey and especially like a kid like me were like my parents didn't want me to drink coke cuz it had caffeine. Oh my god. Then you get cherry and then and then like later like I did get have coke and like, this is the greatest and then like they made it even better.

Unknown Speaker 12:27


Matthew Amster-Burton 12:28

Ah, anything else from from childhood? I'm sure we'll keep thinking of more. I think ruffles like like sour cream and cheddar ruffles. Not for me when I was a kid.

Molly 12:39

I would only plain chips. Oh,

Matthew Amster-Burton 12:41

okay. Well,

Molly 12:42

I was so fun. I would have I wouldn't have Nacho Doritos.

Matthew Amster-Burton 12:46

Okay, that's like me with my condiments.

Molly 12:48

Yeah, I think a hot dog is a pretty perfectly engineered product

Matthew Amster-Burton 12:52

like like a classic Oscar Mayer Wiener

Molly 12:55

you know, I haven't had a classic Oscar Mayer Wiener in a while but pretty much like any like beef or beef and pork.

Matthew Amster-Burton 13:02

Yeah, like, these days I'll go for a fancy ish hotdog like like a boars head. I'll be frank or like a Hebrew national. I like those bass. But when I was a kid, I think you probably wouldn't like my dad Park Frank or Oscar Meyer.

Molly 13:14

I had Oscar Meyer. Yeah, kid. Okay, wait,

Matthew Amster-Burton 13:16

but we're getting ahead of our Do you ever wish you were an Oscar Mayer Wiener?

Molly 13:19

then everyone would be in love with me.

Matthew Amster-Burton 13:22

Did you ever wish you could drive the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile? Now, I mentioned this on the show before that. One. Like a couple years ago, we were having like family dinner might have been like, like one of my parents birthdays or something. And my brother Jake and I like basically ruined dinner by like screaming, screaming excitedly and laughing hysterically because we came up with the idea of like a fast and furious movie spin off where everyone was driving an Oscar Mayer Wienermobile and and the movie would be called kielbasa.

Molly 13:55

I really want I'm picturing right now. So mom of the show, Judy amster. Dad of the show. Richard amster. You Matthew and then your brothers. Yeah, I'm picturing like the five of you around like, I'm picturing you around like a

Matthew Amster-Burton 14:14

round table like a king arthur.

Molly 14:16

Like you guys have gone out for like Dim Sum in in Vancouver thing around like a round table. And I'm just trying to imagine, like the combination of like sarcasm, awkwardness, silence, annoyance that goes on around this table.

Matthew Amster-Burton 14:33

Um, I mean, I don't think silence is really a feature of a family of hamster family dinner. No,

Molly 14:39

I can't picture it. Oh, not at all. No. Are there moments of are there moments when like, Judy just stares at you guys. Like disapprovingly and No.

Matthew Amster-Burton 14:49

so used to it. Okay. I mean, maybe we might have gotten our this time but like, I think she's just happy that we're not punching each other like we used to. You're a kid. Yeah. Okay, it's probably seemed like that phase would never end. Okay.

Molly 15:03

All right. So to go to continue on with with, you know, reveling in the past let's rebel, what would like a like the first perfectly engineered food product in history have been?

Matthew Amster-Burton 15:14

So I had two ideas. One is Underwood deviled ham I don't know what this is. Okay, so it's like a ham paste comes to the can and so it's nothing like a ham you would cure at home. And the thing is it came out in like the 1820s 1830s and is

Molly 15:33

like spread it on

Matthew Amster-Burton 15:34

your brain or you spread it on bread or on on sort of like a what's the India? Yeah, only only not at all artists. And I think it is known for being like the first brand name food, but also like I read a little bit about the Underwood company, not the typewriter company totally separate. And they were like pioneers in food science and invented all sorts of like machinery and procedures that that like made industrial food possible.

Molly 16:05

For the Underwood

Matthew Amster-Burton 16:06

give it up for the Underwood's as he said like especially carry the the air to the underwear. deviled ham fortune.

Molly 16:13

What about Blair Underwood?

Matthew Amster-Burton 16:15

What about Blair Underwood? What Blair Underwood is an actor Yeah, right so handsome. Yes, yes, I was like okay handsome actor, but I couldn't tell you what he's been.

Molly 16:24

He's been in so many things and yet I can't think of them like hey, oh, you Blair Underwood fans reach out let us know

Matthew Amster-Burton 16:31

Yeah, all you under what he's under what heads the other idea I had was was we already talked about this a little bit but like something something from the Kellogg family I saw again I saw that movie but sort of forgot it but like you know they were in Battle Creek Michigan and they were liking making foods to prevent masturbation and and it was very successful and we conquered the scourge of masturbation and but but like the stuck a lot of the cereals they were making seem seem like early perfectly engineered food products to me right my god I

Molly 17:02

just thought of another perfectly engineered food product of my child.

Matthew Amster-Burton 17:04

I knew I knew we would keep coming up with Oh my god. cracklin oat bran cracklin fucking of bread rice. Yeah.

Molly 17:10

Oh my god. Now I don't know. I don't know if it's changed

Matthew Amster-Burton 17:15

the trans fats out of Oh my god. Was that was an incredible series.

Molly 17:20

Oh my god. It was so with really cold like whole milk.

Matthew Amster-Burton 17:25

Yeah, it was Yeah, hard, but like, but like, in a good way? Yes. All right. Wow. Okay. It's like it's better. It's kind of better because we can't ever get it back.

Molly 17:39

Yeah, I don't want to buy a box of cracklin oat bran and I'm just going to be disappointed. Yeah. Okay, so Matthew, let's get into today's perfectly engineered food products. I believe that some of our listeners on Reddit have compiled a thread of perfectly engineered food products that we've

Matthew Amster-Burton 17:56

mentioned top of the Reddit and the thread is archived so you can't add to it anymore cuz I was gonna like jump in and and suggest a few but I couldn't but we went over that and like and like use that to help generate a list and then I went to Walgreens and Safeway and bought a few things although had trouble finding the things he requested. Okay, I got I got original crunchy cheese. It's Cheetos not cheese. Oh, wow. Oh

Molly 18:18

my god. white cheddar cheese. It's

Matthew Amster-Burton 18:19

white cheddar cheese.

Molly 18:20


Matthew Amster-Burton 18:21

I absolutely okay, okay. All right. So I bet with white cheddar cheese it's they literally like experimented with like how much the powder should stick to your fingers for optimum crave ability. This is something

Molly 18:32

I think about with like original Cheetos which are now labeled crunchy Cheetos as opposed to like the puffs. The way that the cheese sticks to my fingers. And then I have to kind of like lick and sort of scrape it off with my and then I'm like, there's only one way to get rid of this nasty feeling on my fingers and that's to eat more Cheetos. Yes. Okay, so Matthew, let's get into to some of our favorites today.

Matthew Amster-Burton 18:59

Yeah, let's do it. Alright, so we're not doing this in any sort of like rigorous way right now. We're just enjoying. We're not even necessarily cheese planning. It's just we'd like a sample. Celebrating right here. We're celebrating 500 episodes 500 perfect night's together. That's not right. Who do you think would win in a fight between Chester Cheetah and Tony the Tiger?

Molly 19:21

Oh my god. I have to tell you last night we had some friends over to like have kind of a barbecue in our driveway. On our God, Alice, our dog Alice. We usually let her go outside when we're out there without a leash on she's very good. She but she always goes across the street to pee on this like strip of grass. It's not on our neighbor's yard. That's the piece. It's the piece on. But the callback to the cows said anyway. But last night, Alice comes trotting out of the house goes across the street to pee she squatting down. our daughter's friend Elizabeth sees Alice out of the corner of her eye and goes oh my Got a cheetah

Matthew Amster-Burton 20:04

look nothing like a cheetah less like a cheetah than possibly any other. What it was a jellyfish. Like a cheetah.

Molly 20:10

It turned out that Elizabeth thought that Alice was a coyote, but she forgot the word.

Matthew Amster-Burton 20:16

Because we do have coyotes. Oh, that is so great, right? That is an awesome like kid malapropism

Molly 20:23

also, we saw a deer on our street the other day. Wow. And we live in Seattle. That was just like, we were new, right? It was an Uber. It was like, I meant to be like, 45 minutes east of here, or west of here on

Matthew Amster-Burton 20:39

an island. But I mean, do you think do you think this is like a omen of some kind?

Molly 20:43

I just finished reading a book called a children's Bible by Lydia millet.

Matthew Amster-Burton 20:47

Okay, heard of it? No, it but I bet it's not a children's Bible. It's

Molly 20:51

not a children's Bible.

Matthew Amster-Burton 20:53

But a judge a book by its cover personally,

Molly 20:55

it's engaged with climate change. Okay. It's a novel, and it's sort of like weird apocalyptic anyway, but I can't help thinking that this deer was like a sign of like, the world gone horribly awry that there was a deer on my street. Yeah, possibly. Yeah.

Matthew Amster-Burton 21:11

We have like a major outbreak of rabbits in our neighborhood.

Molly 21:16

Matthew, did I tell you that I opened our yard waste bin to put the kitchen compost in there a week ago, Tuesday, and there were live baby rabbits in our yard waste. Ben,

Matthew Amster-Burton 21:26

what did you do?

Molly 21:27

Oh my god, Matthew. It was a whole saga. It was so stressful.

Matthew Amster-Burton 21:31

Maybe we should get into it.

Molly 21:33

Let's not get into it. This is a comedy show. But anyway, I think that I I didn't I've now learned a lot. But Matthew, if you're doing any, like, mowing, or like, digging up of plants in like June, let's say you need to be super careful, because that's when baby bunnies are being born. And the moms tend to make like nests

Matthew Amster-Burton 21:54

in Oh, no, I didn't know this. Yeah,

Molly 21:55

in like tall grasses and sort of plants that have a lot of cover. And I had been doing some gardening and dug up a couple of like, big you know, sort of the kind of grasses that like wave in the wind, you know, ornamental grasses.

Matthew Amster-Burton 22:09

Sure. And yeah, ornamental grasses.

Molly 22:11

I think I dug up these nests and didn't know it, and dumped them in the yard waste. And then there were baby bunnies in our yard waste, and we had to figure out what to do with them. Because if there's one thing you never do it is disturb a nest of wild rabbits because they almost never make it.

Matthew Amster-Burton 22:30

Well. I mean, I appreciate the story, because I thought like by by age 45 like I had an exhaustive list of reasons that I never want to do yard work, but now I have a new one. So, so I appreciate that. I was just gonna say I have two stories like like, these are happy stories ish about neighborhood animals. I mean, was really a story about me. And what's the story about a squirrel?

Molly 22:55

Have you had any like animal funerals? No. I mean, for like wild animals that die around your home? What? We have like a little pet cemetery, okay side of our yard where we have but not for pets. No, no, they're for wild animals that like if a bird like dies on our deck, or like, okay, now that makes sense. Money dies while attempting to find its nest again. I'm not even going to go into this story. But we're really we're really good at giving funerals complete with like, beds of flowers to wild animals.

Matthew Amster-Burton 23:31

Okay, no, I don't think I've ever had an animal funeral.

Molly 23:34

I just serious not even like a goldfish as a child. No, I don't think so. Yeah, have you not like dug a hole and buried a cat?

Matthew Amster-Burton 23:42

I've never dug a hole and buried a cat.

Molly 23:44

Are you ever flushed a goldfish down the toilet? At least?

Matthew Amster-Burton 23:47

Yeah, but I think like maybe maybe my parents did it and I just didn't want to think about it. What kind of human are you? I like the kind who's who's like afraid to get in touch with his feelings. So like a regular Chi

Molly 24:01

wears in my house we build beds of flowers and weep over our wild and

Matthew Amster-Burton 24:05

but the thing is we only have one animal at our house. I mean, we have like spiders and marmorated stink bugs and stuff but we've never had like a spider funeral I definitely wouldn't have been good at like taking a bug and take it outside. I Yeah. Like I don't I don't get spiders spiders sickness.

Molly 24:24

What is happening to you right now. Anyway, oh my god. How did I get talking about the trauma is a rabbit I was

Matthew Amster-Burton 24:30

on our 500th episode that was supposed to be like a celebration of like the beauty of climate change and animals where they're not supposed to try and fix this. But first of all, I was looking for the word arachnophobia I came up with was spiders sickness. Wow, that sounds bad. Okay. But okay, so two things about animals in my neighborhood. This episode needs to stay like content rarely on topic. No, no. The other day we were walking through volunteer Park and I saw a squirrel jumping into a garbage can and I was like, Oh wow, this is a garbage can that has like a flap. And like is that squirrel gonna be able to get out of that garbage can I started to like worry about this squirrel. And like four seconds later the squirrel like comes like bombing back out of the garbage can and lands on on like the lip of the garbage can just staring at me. And I was like, wow, I just like I got served by a squirrel.

Molly 25:27

Did I tell you that two weeks ago? We were on Whidbey Island for a night with our friend Sarah to celebrate her birthday and we were staying like this Airbnb where this couple basically their major bird watchers, the people who own this place.

Matthew Amster-Burton 25:43

Oh god, this sounds

Molly 25:44

terrible. Anyway, we saw a great horned owl.

Matthew Amster-Burton 25:47

Okay, no, that sounds great then

Molly 25:49

so we like sat in the grass for like an hour one morning watching this great horned owl and then it swooped down and caught a squirrel. Not even 20 feet from us. That

Matthew Amster-Burton 25:59

is so cool.

Molly 26:01

It was devastating. That is awesome. Anyway, so I have a lot of wild animal encounters more than I really want.

It makes sense given the way that we've defined perfectly engineered food products that most of them are snack foods right

Matthew Amster-Burton 26:22

so in front of us we have crunchy Cheetos. We have m&m three kinds of m&ms. We have Reese's Peanut Butter Cups original. We have cinnamon toast crunch, and we have Pringles sour cream, and I

Molly 26:34

open the Pringles sour cream and onion. So you say that we said

Matthew Amster-Burton 26:38

on some episode I think Reddit said that we said oh, let's see. I don't know if it was specifically sour cream in 19 I got these because I like this flavor. Do

Molly 26:46

we stat do we stand by it? I do. Give me a minute. God the crunch of Pringles is so weird.

Matthew Amster-Burton 26:54

It is weird. Yeah. When I was a kid we never had Pringles in the house because my mom didn't like them. Moms man. Yeah.

Molly 27:04

I think these are good. I'm not feeling blown away today. Okay, the Cheetos though.

Matthew Amster-Burton 27:09

The Cheetos are incredibly perfect.

Molly 27:11

The Cheetos they are amazing and Chester Cheetah he's much sexier than Tony tiger.

Matthew Amster-Burton 27:18

He is Tony the Tiger is sort of sort of like one of these like sexless action movie heroes Yeah. And Chester Cheetah is more like if Chester Cheetah were to be portrayed by an actor. Who do we think could portray Chester Cheetah Snoop Dogg? I think Yeah, I guess this has probably been noted before that

Molly 27:36

Chester Cheetah and Snoop Dogg have the same vibe

Matthew Amster-Burton 27:39

is a real vibe. Yeah. For both of them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the perfect answer. Okay,

Molly 27:45

cool. All right. What else do we have Matthew? Should we move on? Wait, let's try the cinnamon toast crunch. Then we'll move on to Candy

Matthew Amster-Burton 27:51

now. It's possible this is starting to get stale because I opened it like a week ago.

Molly 27:56

Oh, dear. Oh, man. Oh, God, please. You're not stale. These are so well engineered. Oh, yeah. These are not going to go stale. Like,

Matthew Amster-Burton 28:05

I hope not because I need to eat it for breakfast for like nine more days. Okay,

Molly 28:09

so Matthew, while we're talking about this, can I know we talked about Cherry Coke? Yeah. Are there other beverages that we think are perfectly engineered food products?

Matthew Amster-Burton 28:17

I think on the pumpkin spice latte episode, we said a pumpkin spice latte was a perfectly engineered food product.

Molly 28:23

Did we have one last fall? Last fall? Oh, we weren't vaccinated last fall. So maybe we weren't hanging out.

Matthew Amster-Burton 28:29

That's right. They only serve them to fully vaccinated people.

Molly 28:32

That would be a good incident. I

Matthew Amster-Burton 28:33

I think I did not have one last year. But I will I will have one this year. I mean,

Molly 28:40

it seems like everything is getting earlier and earlier.

Matthew Amster-Burton 28:43

Oh, right. Like they're putting out the Halloween stuff. Right now in July? Yeah.

Molly 28:48

When do we think the PSL will be available?

Matthew Amster-Burton 28:50

Do we think that July 24.

Molly 28:53

This episode is coming out July 29.

Matthew Amster-Burton 28:57

July 30.

Molly 28:59

Okay, I'm going to put my money on September 9.

Matthew Amster-Burton 29:04

Okay, I want to make it interesting. What it what are the rules? Like is it is it like prices, right rules, like closest without going over? I don't know if it's closer to that going over? I'm gonna say January 1.

Molly 29:16

Okay, anyway, I'm looking forward to

Matthew Amster-Burton 29:19

I'm looking forward to it too. And like the PSL was like a surprise because I didn't think I don't think either of us thought we will like I

Molly 29:24

expected to be like scornful and superior.

Matthew Amster-Burton 29:27

Right? And we were it turns out we were joyful and inferior.

Molly 29:33

Okay, what else? I think that um, I think there's a good case for coke. I mean, that is he can't You can't I mean, with the exception of cherry coke. Yeah,

Matthew Amster-Burton 29:43

the only improve upon Coke, right? You know what I'm gonna, I'm going to pause it as a perfectly engineered food product and we can discuss is Ocean Spray cranberry juice cocktail.

Molly 29:56

That stuff is pretty incredible. It's incredible.

Matthew Amster-Burton 29:58

And it's not cranberry juice, it is highly engineered. It's not so I mean, I mean it contains cranberry juice, but like, you know, I don't I don't think you could say like, I mean, I guess minute made orange juice is pretty engineered also. But like, you know, I think you couldn't make Ocean Spray cranberry juice cocktail at home, right? No, I mean just by by juicing cranberries and adding water and sugar. I don't think it would come out the same I think they have really like left the flavor scientists loose on that and it is fantastic. It is really

Molly 30:30

good. Are you are you gonna make yourself a Cosmo now?

Matthew Amster-Burton 30:32

I'm gonna make a cop myself at Cosmo now. Is that just like cranberry vodka and lime? Who knows? No way finding out? Nope. Okay, when was the last time you watched an episode of Sex in the City? Oh,

Molly 30:46

I watched Sex in the City. Like it was my job. Oh, me too. In the summer of 2004. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of three years. I felt liberated. So what I did was sit in my apartment and watch sex. And

Matthew Amster-Burton 31:02

I think I watched it earlier than that. When did it come out? Like into the 90s? I think so.

Molly 31:07

I was quite late. I was watching it on DVD.

Matthew Amster-Burton 31:10

I think I was I was also watching it on DVD. But it was like, it was still on but like, like a couple seasons had aired. Did you see any of the movies? No, I did. Okay. They were very generous.

Molly 31:24

Yeah, it was. I mean, if I could get that money back Now, think of the things I could do with it.

Matthew Amster-Burton 31:31

Right? Did you did you get to like the theater with like the reclining seats and the cocktails? No, that was the way to do it. I would drink well.

Unknown Speaker 31:38

I drink at Cosmo. Yeah. Can

Molly 31:40

you imagine? I mean, if a glass of wine and one of those theaters cost like $18. Right? Would cranberry juice vodka and whatever else is?

Matthew Amster-Burton 31:50

Just I don't know, like $26 and every penny Yes, we would all pay it. Are you What? Yeah. What would are you? Wait, we already talked about like, which? Which Sex in the City character we are. No, we should. Right? Yeah, it's about 500 episodes, and people deserve to know the truth.

Molly 32:08

Okay. I've always felt that in truth. I was Miranda. Okay. But I want to be Carrie even though I know everybody fucking hates Carrie because she's like, all self centered. I mean, I hate her too. But I want to be some version. That's not just straight Miranda and I don't want to be Charlotte and Samantha's great, but I don't want to be Samantha.

Matthew Amster-Burton 32:27

Okay. I yeah, I think I miss Charlotte. Your Charlotte. Yeah, like cuz

Molly 32:32

I kind of like naive and excited. Like,

Matthew Amster-Burton 32:35

I don't know if I'm as naive as Charlotte but, but like, I'm boring in the same way. I think and like, you know, I'm like, really big on like the right way to do things.

Molly 32:45

That's true. Would you get with Kyle McLaughlin?

Matthew Amster-Burton 32:48

Sure. Yeah, it's kind of o'clock for this great.

Molly 32:50

Okay. Yeah, I think I mean, do you agree? I think I'm Miranda.

Matthew Amster-Burton 32:54

Yeah, I think so. I

Molly 32:55

think so. It's kind of unfortunate. No, I don't think so. Steve is so great. Dave is wonderful. So great. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'd get with Steve. Yeah,

Matthew Amster-Burton 33:05

I know. I know. Like of people who are like rewatching the show now I imagine it hasn't aged very well. Maybe Maybe in sort of an interesting way.

Molly 33:13

No, I think you think it's probably not something to rewatch although well, who am I kidding? Like a shows like love Island exist? Yeah, and we can tolerate that. I mean, Sex in the City at least has a storyline to it. That's true. I've

Matthew Amster-Burton 33:27

never watched a love Island. Should I Oh,

Molly 33:28

my spouse has watched like all 850 episodes of love. It sounds funny.

Matthew Amster-Burton 33:33

You know, they know his love Island. Because because there's like, like a rash of shows and i and i pun intended. Like, where like we put all these sexy people on this island and they're not allowed to fuck is that love Island or that's not love. I

Molly 33:49

know love Island is this weird contrived thing where it's like too hot to handle? Is

Matthew Amster-Burton 33:53

that something?

Molly 33:54

I have no idea. But in this one they have to in the first episode, they have to choose their first like, you know, boyfriend or girlfriend, you know of the show. Okay, that sounds good. And then in order to break up they have to like I don't think you can be single on the show. Okay,

Matthew Amster-Burton 34:13

I think he would want to Yeah,

Molly 34:15

you have to choose someone there to partner up with all right, but the thing that really fucks me up about love Island I've only watched like three episodes is it's actually a peninsula. It was much better than I thought it was okay. I mean, it's terrible. But it's better than I thought it was gonna be. They all sleep in the same room. It's like a room with like a queen size beds and

Matthew Amster-Burton 34:38

I okay, I have heard about and it's just so weird.

Molly 34:41

And that's so weird. I just feel like at least give them

Unknown Speaker 34:44

separate bedrooms so things can get really spicy. Why? Why do they do that? Is it because they don't have much of a budget?

Molly 34:52

I think it's because we're talking about it.

Matthew Amster-Burton 34:56

Because someone in the writers room was like what if we put all their beds in the same room. Have you ever heard they were like yeah,

Molly 35:01

yeah. Anyway, so yeah, I recommend love Ireland.

Matthew Amster-Burton 35:05

Okay. I think I think after watch them

Molly 35:06

yeah. It is horrible. And also, somehow it feels like eating a bag of Cheetos. Yeah, it's like it's delightful. It doesn't leave you feeling bad. Like, did I tell you that ash and I attempted to watch a reality show based on The L Word. It was called like, the real L

Matthew Amster-Burton 35:24

Word her you may have mentioned and it

Molly 35:27

was so bad that by the end of it, we were having what was it? Was it like it was so stressed?

Matthew Amster-Burton 35:32

Was it like a, like a real world type of type of setup? No,

Molly 35:36

it just follows like for lesbians or six lesbians or something in Los Angeles, okay. And they're not living together. It's just like following them. And they're all making either they're making terrible decisions that are depressing. Or they're horrible. Yeah. And anyway, by the end of it, we were arguing, this is by the end of the first episode, and we were like, right, ever watch this show? Again, this

Matthew Amster-Burton 36:00

is terrible. I saw on the Reddit that somebody somebody claims that we said smuckers grape jelly was a perfectly engineered food product. I'm

Molly 36:08

willing to believe it. Okay. I mean, I love like Concord grape flavor. Like actually, just yesterday, my mom was going to the grocery store was like, Do you need anything? And I was like, would you pick up some popsicles for June? And mom came back with one box of pineapple popsicles and one box of great popsicles and you better believe I am pumped to eat those great popsicles. Yeah,

Matthew Amster-Burton 36:30

I think of like that grape flavor is something that I'm not really fond of. But when you Yeah, but like, and I don't really go for the grape jelly. But the grape popsicle sounds really good.

Molly 36:40

Think about Okay, did you ever have like grape flavored? bubblicious bubblegum? Oh, yeah, for sure. So like the first half dozen choose of that when the grape flavor is like exploding in your mouth. Like before the flavor all goes away and turns to garbage. It's so good. There's nothing that makes me salivate more. I'm salivating just at the thought of great bubblicious. Yeah,

Matthew Amster-Burton 37:02

I you know, I know what you mean. And like, they put like, I know, citric acid or something in there even like a non sour one. Just like to make you like salivate a little more when you start. Yeah, it's great. Like any kind of commercial bubblegum could easily fall into the perfectly engineered food product category. Right? Watermelon Baba licious.

Molly 37:19

Oh my god. Well, yes. But that's the same thing. I mean, these are very well engineered.

Matthew Amster-Burton 37:24

Oh, yeah. No, no, like I can I haven't had a watermelon bubble licious. Probably in several years, but I you know, I can in my mind's tongue can taste it. What texture?

Molly 37:33

What I don't understand is why they can't engineer the flavor to be good longer.

Matthew Amster-Burton 37:38

I'm sure they've worked on it. And like, I think it's hard. Like they need like, like a delayed time release, like 12 hour bubble gum.

Molly 37:46

Like what? What do they call it in like the pharmaceutical industry?

Matthew Amster-Burton 37:50

That's the word I was trying to think of like, extended release.

Molly 37:53

Yeah, there we go. Extended release bubblegum and everybody's gonna be addicted.

Matthew Amster-Burton 37:58

Yeah, it's gonna be bad. But like, of all the things to be addicted to like, like bubble gum doesn't seem too bad

Molly 38:04

that we'd all have like, we'd all be hitting up the jaw surgeon after we would be

Matthew Amster-Burton 38:08

hitting up that jaw surgeon like it would be a really good time to be a jaw surgeon.

Molly 38:13

Okay, wait, I had a brainstorm last night. Yeah. I think that Bush's baked beans like in a can. The original ones not the vegetarian ones. Although I can't say I've tasted them side by side. But I think Bush's baked beans are a perfectly engineered food product.

Matthew Amster-Burton 38:28

Okay, make the case because I feel like I could make baked beans at home. That wouldn't be the same. They're not gonna be the

Molly 38:34

same. Come on now. Don't Don't argue with the engineering man. All right, but just imagine it for what it is. I mean, it's fine. If you like the home version better, right? Like you could make your own cheese. It's okay that we deliver it but they're not going to replace your white cheddar. I made some homemade crackers the other day they were quite tasty. Yeah. So so you don't have to agree with me but

Matthew Amster-Burton 38:57

I'm coming around to your to your take.

Molly 38:59

I mean, they need nothing else they balance.

Matthew Amster-Burton 39:02

Yeah, no, I agree. Like I'm not arguing about whether they're great. But are they a PFP? Yeah. Okay,

Molly 39:09

I think so. Okay, just twisted your arm a bit here.

Matthew Amster-Burton 39:11

You did but like that's how we do things here on love Island. Okay. Like, like, do people on love Island have to say what they're into because I got the clip that I that I saw recently so and like it was introducing himself and said, and I like sucking toes. And like that's, that's upfront. I mean, that's not what the tow is. I guess it's sort of upfront.

Molly 39:32

I've only watched three episodes. So I don't want to go out on on a limb here and make big statements you're gonna have to ask my spouse Okay, they're the expert. Right? Okay,

Matthew Amster-Burton 39:40

I will text them.

Molly 39:43

What about like other things like difficult to label products like I think that ranch powder so we've talked about Cool Ranch Doritos being a perfectly engineered food product, but I think ranch powder like Hidden Valley Ranch powder in a packet is a pretty amazing product because you mix that with sour cream, which to me is a revolting concoction. I mean, sour cream being the concoction. Okay, number one, we did a sour cream episode and we nearly died. Yeah, so I think sour cream is a revolting like sour cream in things. I think sour cream is a revolting product, but you take Hidden Valley Ranch powder and mix it with a pint of sour cream, and it is possibly the most addictive substance anywhere.

Matthew Amster-Burton 40:24

Yeah, I still don't like a creamy dip. But I recognize the greatness and I like almost anything with ranch powder. That's not a creamy dip.

Unknown Speaker 40:31

Why don't

Molly 40:32

people do things like dry rub meats with? Oh, with ranch powder? I think would you leave it in the heat?

Matthew Amster-Burton 40:40

Would you lose the ranch in the heat? I think maybe you would. I don't know. They definitely don't sprinkle it on the chips before they fry right now but it seems it does seem like a good idea. It does. I

Molly 40:53

mean, the buttermilk flavor we already know that's great. At least with like chicken

Matthew Amster-Burton 40:56

What about like a fried chicken with ranch powder? Is that that must be something people Oh,

Molly 41:01

right here. That's the thing people do. Right? I mean, okay. For instance, I feel like there's been you know, a trend lately with togarashi like Japanese like spice. Like we

Matthew Amster-Burton 41:10

were we were kind of on top of that trend.

Molly 41:13

God that's the only one ever ever. Yes. But anyway. Well, I

Matthew Amster-Burton 41:16

mean, we're jumping on the sex of the city tray.

Molly 41:18

Oh, yeah. Okay, hold on. So what if you took fried chicken and dusted it with ranch powder? The way that people are often like dusting it with togarashi these days?

Matthew Amster-Burton 41:29

I think I think someone is doing this. Okay, now is like the Hidden Valley Ranch packet. Is that the same as ranch powder? Or is that different?

Molly 41:37

That's what I mean. Okay, that's what I mean.

Matthew Amster-Burton 41:39

I just wasn't sure cuz I don't think I've ever bought it before.

Molly 41:42

I've only bought it for making dips. Okay,

Matthew Amster-Burton 41:45

yeah. What about as opposed to what? Well people

Molly 41:49

know people make sound right? Oh,

Matthew Amster-Burton 41:51

yeah, I forgot that ranch started as ranch dressing and not ranch dip. Yeah, I'll be over here. Just like knowing things about food.

Molly 41:58

Alright, Matthew, what else do we have to do here?

Matthew Amster-Burton 42:00

Fast Food fast food

Molly 42:02

is fast food can can it be a perfectly engineered? Yeah,

Matthew Amster-Burton 42:06

I think this opens up a pretty big worm can cause like, I think like like the original

Molly 42:10

of the use of worm can nobody ever says warmed?

Matthew Amster-Burton 42:14

Well, this guy does. Like people say worm bin. That's different. Like I because I think like, like an Egg McMuffin is a perfectly engineered food product, right? I've never had one. They're very tasty. like McDonald's fries. Right?

Molly 42:29

I don't think I think McDonald's fries are okay. No, I think they're very good. They're better than Wendy's. Okay,

Matthew Amster-Burton 42:34

um, I think I'm not a Big Mac fan myself. But I think a lot of people would say a big mad about a frosty Yes, there we go. Yeah. Like milkshakes and balls all the time at home. They're nothing like a frosty I don't have like the polymers and surfactants required to make a frosty and if I did, I would I would use them to moisturize my skin.

Molly 42:58

I think that good soft serve. Yeah, it's a perfectly engineered food product.

Matthew Amster-Burton 43:02

There is a place doing like fancy soft serve in Seattle now. Palmer What's that?

Molly 43:08

Is it Homer? Or mill

Matthew Amster-Burton 43:10

drunk? I don't think it's either of those apparently we're in the middle of a soft serve Renaissance

Molly 43:14

Homer and Homer and mill trunk are owned by some lovely people. But the the taste the flavors of their soft serve are often a little too fancy. For me. I want just like chocolate and vanilla. Okay,

Matthew Amster-Burton 43:25

because that's what they had at this place, which was a pop up at the pastry project in Pioneer Square. But I think I think the ice cream did have a name but I don't remember what it was. Anyway, it was like they really got the texture right. And the the toppings were like just a little bit fancy. And it's so good. Yeah, I think I agree. Like I think Dairy Queen vanilla soft serve. Absolutely. Perfectly engineered.

Molly 43:48

I'm thinking of like, have you ever been to like the Jersey Shore or the Delaware shore? Oh, well, so like, you know on the board

Matthew Amster-Burton 43:54

here there's I was featured on the show jersey shore but I've never been there.

Molly 43:59

I've only been to the like the beaches in Delaware. The Delaware shore.

Matthew Amster-Burton 44:04

Have you ever been to love island?

Molly 44:06

But anyway, core brothers, which is like a frozen custard place. It's like fine. Okay, but they you can get it like dipped in chocolate. You know that weird like magic shell chocolate?

Oh, yeah. Oh my god. It's so good. I don't even care that you can get better frozen custard or whatever. Oh my god. It's perfect. No, cuz

Matthew Amster-Burton 44:29

it's at the shore.

Molly 44:31

It's at the shore. You can feel the salt on your skin.

Matthew Amster-Burton 44:35

I lay out. You take you take a bite of ice cream. Then you lick your skin. Yes, yes. Okay. All right. Like someone else's skin. consensually, so fun at the Delaware shore.

Molly 44:48

Okay, have you like come up with any new like personal, perfectly engineered food products in the past year our pandemic year?

Matthew Amster-Burton 44:56

Yes. And there was one that came to mind in particular Killer and what happened was this was like a product that I bought maybe once because I was curious about it and then forgot about and it was it was okay and I forgot about it. And then when we have the show Lori started kind of taking over the grocery shopping because she would do the the KFC order for curbside pickup. She started throwing these in thinking this is something that Matthew likes for breakfast. And, and like I came around to them really quickly and started eating this for breakfast every day for a while, which is chobani flip yogurts. And in particular, the like dessert, their dessert. Yeah, absolutely. I mean I'm the kind of person who has no no problem having dessert for breakfast. So there's so the particular ones I like are the chocolate haze craze and the key lime pie. Again they are they're like nothing like anything you would make at home it's it's like a sweet yogurt and then like a little cup of crunchy stuff to like, tip in and stir in perfect and yeah, it's totally engineered and totally good. Do you have any?

Molly 45:55

So during the pandemic I think my appreciation for jalapeno chips specifically helping you can I remember this? Yes has gone like through the roof. In fact, I think I almost burned myself out on them

Matthew Amster-Burton 46:07

a bit. Yeah, I did like get to a point where I'm like I don't need any more flip yogurts for a while but there's some in the fridge now,

Molly 46:13

though. We have we have jalapeno kettle anyway, jalapeno kettle chips, I think really took off for me in the past year year and a half. I think that I have really enjoyed ice cream sandwiches in the past year like plastic ones it's like the rectangular the kind of like soft chocolate cookie. Oh, yes. Like the little like, like it's been docked? It's been docked? Yes. Oh, yeah. Those are so good. So good. Yeah. Even when they're not very good. No, no, I

Matthew Amster-Burton 46:44

think I think like the best like, like we've gotten like the Klondike version, which is like uncanny valley of sandwiches for me because like I really want like the super squishy storebrand one or an actual Klondike bar. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that's

Molly 46:58

a good point. I really like I mean, I think the storebrand ones are fine. I also really like when I'm when I'm when I'm really feeling like shelling out getting the aldens brand. Okay. milah sandwich. They're really really good.

Matthew Amster-Burton 47:13

Okay. I don't know if I've had that. I'll get them.

Molly 47:16

I like I mean, excuse me. I like aldens ice cream. Yeah. So make sense. Okay, Matthew, anything anything else we want to say here caught this.

Matthew Amster-Burton 47:25

extremely long. Oh, no, it's fine. I people want that. This is our 500th episode. We're never going to do another 500th episode Unless Unless the audio for this one gets destroyed or something. Okay. Any Anything else? Do we want to do trend forecasting? One question like we wanted to talk about like, what do we think the the perfectly engineered, prevent everything? What do we think the trends of the future are going to be? Because we are known in future? Right? Yes.

Molly 47:54

People every now and then do you get like an email from somebody like some marketing person being like, we'd love to have you on our panel about like, restaurant trends in the future? What did you use to get that restaurant

Matthew Amster-Burton 48:06

doing? Like, I don't know, like,

Molly 48:09

go on to someone else. I am not a good person. Oh, yeah. So

Matthew Amster-Burton 48:12

here, here's kind of like a thing I was thinking about, which is, you know, starting, I don't know, maybe 10 or 20 years ago, like they really started pushing the boundaries of like variations of existing favorites. So now like if you go to the store, there's like 17 kinds of m&ms, and like 10 different Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. And usually, usually I will keep coming back to the original or in the case of m&ms either like original or peanut,

Molly 48:37

or I think about this in the case of Oreos,

Matthew Amster-Burton 48:40

right? Has there ever been one of those that it clips the original for you? Besides possibly Cherry Coke, even though even now it's been a quite a while since I've had Cherry Coke, I'm for sure gonna buy subs soon.

Molly 48:53

If you have to tell me if it holds up or if we do or if it's like

Matthew Amster-Burton 48:56

a spaghetti O's experience because for me like I wouldn't say it's eclipsed it but I think the I like the Reese's big cup as well as the original. trying to think if there are any of these that I actually like better.

Molly 49:08

I don't know about that. I

Matthew Amster-Burton 49:10

mean, cuz you know, they're gonna keep doing this.

Molly 49:13

They of course they're gonna keep doing this. They're relentless.

Matthew Amster-Burton 49:18

Speaking of which, I got a weird m&m that we need to try. This is not necessarily a PFP we're just we're just going off script here.

Molly 49:24

You know, I find that I tend to like now that I think about it. I think I kind of tend to like the second product in a line. So like, peanut m&ms, I think I prefer over plain m&ms, Double Stuf Oreos. I don't prefer them over but they're sort of equal. I think about like Honey Nut Cheerios, Cheerios, right. What else is there along these lines is frosted flakes. The second cornflakes? Maybe? Okay, Matthew, what do we think? Okay. What is this?

Matthew Amster-Burton 49:55

These are pretty good. These are like rocky road flavored m&ms. I don't I don't think they're as good It is peanut m&ms but I'm surely gonna finish the bag. I'm struggling to

Molly 50:03

find the marshmallow it just marshmallow flavor. I

Matthew Amster-Burton 50:05

think it's just kind of marshmallow flavor. That's that's the thing. Like I wish it had a like a gooey marshmallow texture. But here's the thing that I want to talk about.

Molly 50:12

I'm getting almost a little coffee nut flavor.

Matthew Amster-Burton 50:14

Yeah, and I tried. I know you mentioned that you wanted to get coffee not because you think those might be a PFP for you. I couldn't find them. They're calling this rockin and not rode? What the fuck is that? Is this like a joke on something? This was driving me nuts last night like I like they couldn't call it rocky road. Oh, you think rocky road is a trademark of some other company? It could be no it could be I don't know. But like rockin not is like

Molly 50:38

but we all know what it means. We all know it.

Matthew Amster-Burton 50:42

Yeah, we all know it means they're gonna bust a nut.

Molly 50:45

So what else could they have come up with? I mean if they if they for some reason don't want to do rocky road could no you're right.

Matthew Amster-Burton 50:51

Well, this one's like speckled like

Molly 50:52

stone paved road.

Matthew Amster-Burton 50:54

They could do stone paved road,

Molly 50:56

cobblestone road.

Matthew Amster-Burton 50:59

I think these are pretty good. Alright, so we move on to segments. We'll we'll visit this episode on this this topic on episode 1000.

Molly 51:08

I can't wait. Alright, spilled mail.

All right. This one comes from listener Megan. I'm wondering if you've seen the new m&m sharing size mixed bags. We actually have one in front of us, Megan. And what is our opinion on them? I'm getting all weirded out by this changing like whose perspective it is.

Matthew Amster-Burton 51:33

You can just read what the what the listener wrote. I didn't realize this was gonna be like a test.

Molly 51:40

I'm wondering if you've seen the new m&ms sharing size mixed bag and your opinion of them. A large bag. It's a large bag of m&ms with three different flavors. The one I bought is the classic mix plain peanut and peanut butter. What would be your perfect m&m threesome. And if you could make another perfectly engineered food sharing size threesome, what would it be?

Matthew Amster-Burton 52:00

Okay, so let's talk about three steps. Okay.

Molly 52:04

I've never had one if you had one.

Matthew Amster-Burton 52:07

No. Wait, wait a minute. No. No. Do I see like a threesome kind of person? I

Molly 52:17

don't think they're i think that that is a rude statement.

Matthew Amster-Burton 52:19

I right. You're right. You're right. You're right.

Molly 52:22

I think that people are way kinky, or

Matthew Amster-Burton 52:24

you're right. Right? No, I think I think like I paused weirdly partly because I thought it'd be funny also, because then like, I had to like stop and think about it. And then like I was thinking about that instead of being on the show. Like if because if the question is would I like to, then then it's the opposite.

Molly 52:44

And the answer is yes. Okay. All right. So okay. Yes, Megan, we have a bag. Classic mix in front of us. It's quite delightful. Personally, I don't think I would buy it again. I like my m&ms separate. Like I can't quite focus when I'm presented with the mix.

Matthew Amster-Burton 53:05

Are we still talking about me? Sure. Yeah, there's

Molly 53:07

like too much going on.

Matthew Amster-Burton 53:09

Right. Like the butter one always feels left out. Right yeah.

Molly 53:14

Yeah. Or if like I'm eating a plane one and then I think it's a plain one but it turns out to be a peanut butter one and and then I get like all in my head like oh my god, how can I not tell the peanut butter one apart from the I don't know. I'm trying to just I've tried to figure out what this metaphor me I was just trying to find a way to be you know, when there's too much stuff going on?

Matthew Amster-Burton 53:39

Yeah, I know. I

Molly 53:40

do. You know, when you're like I need to remove one thing that's happening right now. It's all really great, but there's too much how

Matthew Amster-Burton 53:47

No I do this to myself all the time. Like Like I say like I say Yes to the Dress and then I'm talking

Molly 53:53


Matthew Amster-Burton 53:54

Oh, I was thinking just like like work life balance. Oh, like does this happen? Where are you finding where you want to like like pare things back a little bit?

Molly 54:03

Yeah. Or like I can't like kiss while other things are happening. Just one thing at a time for maximum enjoyment.

Matthew Amster-Burton 54:11

No, I think I generally agree that like focus

Molly 54:14

yet in the movies everything's happening at once

Matthew Amster-Burton 54:17

you're saying like sex in the movies may not be 100% realistic. Okay,

Molly 54:22

Okay, back to back to the perfectly engineered so some so

Matthew Amster-Burton 54:25

what would our perfect m&m threesome be? I mean, I gotta say for me, it would be these three, like the milk chocolate peanut butter and peanut but I also agree I would rather just have like a bag of one type.

Molly 54:37

I think for me it would my perfect threesome would be three bags of coffee nut.

Matthew Amster-Burton 54:42

Okay, those are very tasty. I like those. Mine would be rockin nut road pretzel, and which they did do. They did? Yeah, it was I did I like it. Again. I kind of can't remember. You know,

Molly 54:56

here I have a perfectly engineered food sharing threesome. Okay, chanterelle. How about tomatoes, mozzarella and basil, but that's not an engineer. Not

Matthew Amster-Burton 55:04

it's not engineered like, you know, okay. chex mix is just gonna say.

Molly 55:11

Cut your hand is really sweaty. What I'm doing.

Matthew Amster-Burton 55:16

Okay, I'm just thinking about perfectly engineered food threesomes. Thank you, thank you for writing. Unless you're vegan, and using the word three sounds like three times. It's tougher now. But Wow.

It's my week to pick. And I think I've talked about this on the show before but maybe predating the now but wow segment. It is a comic series. That is, it's from Japan, but it's available in English and Japanese. I think the English version might be ebook only, but I'm not positive. It's called is kichijoji. The only place to live. It's by machi. Hitachi and it is about these two real estate agents who are real, like eccentric characters who live in the kichijoji neighborhood of Tokyo. And every episode, like every chapter of the book, a woman comes in who needs a new place and is also in the midst of some sort of life transition. And so they like go above and beyond as real estate agents and like like take her around to like a neighborhood she's never been to before and like you know, take her out to eat and show her the perfect apartment. And then like at the by the end of the of the chapter like you see have a threesome they have a threesome? love this book. Yeah, it's your idea. Sounds great also, but the the actual book is, is very family friendly, but also, but also very fun. And it's it's like sweet and very funny. Like the you really like end up really loving the two real estate agents who are twin twin sisters and are super into heavy metal music. And like you know, every time someone comes into the office, they're like, is this a real estate office? Like, why is this this woman like playing guitar behind the desk and introduces you to different neighborhoods in in Tokyo. And like the restaurants in the in the book tend to be real places that you could visit. I absolutely love it. There are six six books all of them are available in English. The series is done so you can read the read the whole thing and just come back and enjoy it anytime I read it over and over again. Oh, this is so fun. Is kichijoji the only place to live by Maki Hitachi.

Molly 57:34

Wonderful. Well, as always, our producer is Abby circuit teller. Her work is really

Matthew Amster-Burton 57:38

cut out for her this Oh yeah. Thanks for being with us for most of our 500 episodes. I mean, this is the part of the show where we want to thank I mean, we don't have time to thank all of our listeners by name. But let's let's thank our 500 best list.

Molly 57:52

Okay. I'd like to thank your mom. I'd like to thank your mom. Oh, okay. I'll

Matthew Amster-Burton 58:00

thank your mom and you thank my mom. I like to think our spouses I think our spouses, our children. Yep. Yep, I like thank Mimi for listening to every episode.

Molly 58:13

I'd like to thank you listener for making it through this episode.

Matthew Amster-Burton 58:19

Yep. And I'd like to thank you other listener who turned it off before this part, but still had a couple of good laughs Okay, before skipping ahead and listening to another podcast

Molly 58:31

if you'd like to, if you're still listening, you can rate and review us wherever you get your podcasts.

Matthew Amster-Burton 58:36

Yep. Like, something you might say in your review is 500 episodes. And somehow they're getting worse at it. No, no. Like, but it's No One No One who actually got to this point would leave that review. It'd be like five five stars like my ultimate podcast, Theresa. Yes. Okay. Either either that or or Robert Krulwich and Jad abumrad. I know Robert Krulwich isn't on the show anymore. Because you told me right? But but he's still up for the threesome. Totally any listener he is kinky talk to other people who listen to the show@reddit.com slash are slash everything spilled milk. And until next time, we'll we'll see you at Episode 1000 where we will be cyborgs. I'm Molly wiser. And I'm Matthew Amster-Burton. Or maybe like we will have uploaded our consciousness to the cloud and like like, like mashed up and like chopped and screwed our consciousnesses together and screwed. It's like a music thing. Oh,

Molly 59:38

okay. All right by the squirrel was like to tame

Matthew Amster-Burton 59:47

that. Yeah, you know, squirrels are dangerous, right?

Molly 59:49

Yeah, but we were on vacation. Look at this. Look at this hour.

Matthew Amster-Burton 59:57

That is incredible.

Molly 59:58

This incredible. Okay, but hold on, get ready for something really incredible. He has already landed on the squirrel. And now watch. He is like, Can you see him looking over his shoulder? He's got his like, wing out.

Matthew Amster-Burton 1:00:12

This is a cute animal I need to know. Wow, that is amazing.

Molly 1:00:17

Isn't that horrible? He's

Matthew Amster-Burton 1:00:19

like, no, it's great. He's

Molly 1:00:20

like fucking Voldemort. He's like, oh, with his like, wings slash cape thing.

Matthew Amster-Burton 1:00:26

Yeah, no, I've, I've not i'm not choked up about about an owl eating a squirrel.

Molly 1:00:32

No, but you're like, Yeah, well, I

Matthew Amster-Burton 1:00:34

mean, we've got plenty of squirrels and owls are cool.

Molly 1:00:37

It's true. owls are really cool. And we do have a lot of squirrels. All right, wait a minute. Let's get back to our perfectly engineered food product.

Matthew Amster-Burton 1:00:43

Like I saw like my neighbor, like swoop down. And like, grab a squirrel with its with his claws and carry it off. I would be very upset. Don't get me wrong. Yeah.

Molly 1:00:56

Okay, Abby, you can figure out how much of that you want to cut. Okay. All right.